Why the new National Anthem for England must be One Step Beyond by Madness

"Please be standing for the National Anthem"

With the country's problems all solved, our MPs are turning to the matters that really count: A National Anthem for England.

Of course, MPs are one of the two groups of people that should never be trusted with such a far reaching decision (the other being the British public), which means that the choice should be left to people who know what they're on about.

Bearing in mind the turgid drones that both Canada and Australia went for when given the choice, and the fact the English will probably end up with Jerusalem or something awful by Adele, I feel that the only choices should be upbeat. Look at the Italians, that's an anthem.

And there's nothing more patriotic than One Step Beyond byMadness. As one person told me – "You can't help but stand up when that track comes on", so that's half the battle won already.

Just imagine:

Commentator: "As Tom Daley receives his gold medal, let's pause to hear the anthem"

FX: HEY YOU! DON'T WATCH THAT WATCH THIS. THIS IS THE HEAVY HEAVY MONSTER SOUND...

Tears-to-the-eyes stuff, and it can also double as the England football team's entrance music, the whole squad doing the funny walk with Roy Hodgson leading the way with a toy saxophone at his lips.

(The rugby union side can keep "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot", as long as Twickenham is set adrift somewhere in the freezing southern oceans of the Antarctic, where it belongs. It's a relocation that may cost billions, but will be worth every penny, and it's not as if anybody will freeze to death in all those Barbour coats and centrally-heated Range Rovers)

Failing One Step Beyond getting the nod, there's also YaketySax, if you can stand the sight of the armed forces doing the Benny Hill salute every time it comes on.

And dammit, yes I can.

 There. The (intelligent part of) the British public have spoken.