Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Oh Lordy, Not The Rainbow Bridge Again

I was saddened recently when an internet chum recently lost an elderly pet cat, a beloved pet of many years standing who will - I'm sure - be sorely missed. The loss of a pet is an emotional stab in the heart that non-pet people cannot understand, and those who are well down the road of pet ownership develop defence mechansisms in the face of death's icy grip.

That is why my internet pal stressed NO RAINBOW BRIDGE OR FUR BABY RUBBISH on her timeline, and for good reason.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh
Regular readers will know that I have problems with the Rainbow Bridge poem, and my previous critiques of the World's Worst Poem have earned me stern rebukes from people who really ought to know better.

I've been told by an actual Christian that my dismissal of the entirely-made-up Rainbow Bridge is going to send me to HELL, which is fine by me as one fictional place is very much like another. Meanwhile, another tells me that my non-belief in said Rainbow Bridge shows I don't care about my two (then) recently deceased dogs, and I shouldn't be allowed to keep animals. Twats, the lot of them.

But enough for the h8ers, cos h8ers gonna h8, whatever than means, for I sat bolt upright the other night, head bursting with questions about the practicalities of there being a bridge where pets wait for you when they die. Because, frankly, such a place would be a fucking madhouse.

  • Is there a passage of time at the Rainbow Bridge? I'm pretty sure that childhood pets who be getting pretty bloody bored waiting for you to die peacefully in your sleep at the age of ninety. The place must be bursting at the seams. Is anybody in charge of - you know - scooping?
  • What if your animal was a family pet? Does he cross the bridge with the first of your clan to die, or wait for his favourite? In some families, that's going to cause a fall-out worse than the time Auntie Vera said something at Brian's surprise party...
  • What are the rules for adopted pets that have had more than one owner? First to die, last to own him, or wait for the favourite? Fight to the death?
  • I've had fish, birds, cats and dogs in my lifetime. All natural enemies. Am I going to arrive at the bridge to just one, very fat smug-looking dog?
  • I once adopted a leopard in a zoo, along with several other people. What are the rules? Timeshare, or fight to the death?
  • Bee-keepers. Discuss.
  • Do pets that have been neutered in their lifetime get their sexy parts back, and are they making up for lost time? You won't be able to cross the bridge for dogs clamping themselves onto your leg.
  • Do fish wait on the bridge itself or under it? Or perhaps in a plastic bag in a wheelie bin on the bridge? Do goldfish even remember who you are?
  • What happens if you live on a farm and have a pet pig, then eat the pig for bacon? That's hardly going to be a happy reunion, is it? I suspect Porky's going to be waiting by the bridge to completely shit you up.

So many questions, so much angry bacon. I put it to "Author Unknown" that you haven't actually thought the whole thing through, and you are unknown for a very good reason (for eg: savaged to death by angry bees).

Down with this sort of thing (again).

6 comments:

  1. Anonymous6:16 pm

    I think they mean Hebden Bridge.

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  2. Robin of Locksley8:54 pm

    Last time I asked who cleans all the shit up, but never got an answer...

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  3. That bridge must be very slippy if it's covered in the shit of all those animals. That's apart from all the bullshit! I puked when I read that poem; all over the cat!

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  4. 2 legged fiend11:39 am

    Rainbows mean nothing to dogs anyway - They're colour blind.

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  5. This is the sort of shit that appears on facebook enticing you to share. I've already told my ferret, 'Shagger', that there is no heaven. He is under no illusion for what waits........

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  6. I share it as whilst it reads like pure cheese, sometimes it is effective in helping people in their grief stages. As I was looking for it tonight I found your blog and I will admit I did wonder (when I got to the reunion bit) what happens if we have had more than one pet in our life and they don't each get along? Does that mean I'm stuck watching my two labradors (one was nice the other was x doberman and she was a mean b-word of a thing (would let a burglar in if it had a steak but if you tried to get anythinfg away from her she'd attack you, actually, I really hated that dog)fair sure she was a cat in a past life which again raises the concept of when do you know if they'll be on rainbow bridge or in another life form being abused or served up for dinner..but bac to the multiple issue, are we doomed to forever watch them to try and fail at ripping each other apart or in this mystical place do they all just become these fun characters who are bounding with joy etc... there are things we need to clarify here. What are the boundaries, who made the rules...

    what about the animals from different religions? are they banned from rainbow bridge? do they have their own version of this cosmic space that exists?

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