Tuesday, March 01, 2016

TV idea: The Swiss Army Knife Killer (guest starring A-Ha's Morten Harket)

We're all big fans of Nordic Noir in this household, and are gripped by dramas that involve gruesome killing, depressed hairy Scandinavians and mind-boggling plot twists.

But I'm certain we can do this so much better, and I've thought up my very own British Nordic Noir that BBC Four could put on Saturday evenings against The Nation's Favourite Showaddywaddy songs, so nobody will ever watch it.

The Swiss Army Knife Killer

A serial killer is at large. It's a killer who is bumping people off, one at a time, each with a single tool of his 48-blade Swiss Army Knife.

Dour and troubled detective, Sven Svenssonsson – on loan to the Met from Oslo City Police is in charge of the investigation. But his work is troubled by the fact that he can only speak in subtitles, and the Norwegian for "horse hoof picking tool" is untranslatable.

A series of taunting letters presumably from the killer – signed "Victor Inox" – hits our hero hard, and reminds him of the fact that he failed to nab Oslo's A-Ha! Killer, a series of bizarre murders based around the songs of Norway's premier music act. He tries to confide in his on-off lover Victoria Knox, but she seems offish.

As the 47th body is found, a Swiss Army Knife corkscrew rammed up the left nostril of a wine waiter all the way into the brain, Svenssonsson struggles for a motive for these seemingly random, yet cruelly ironic murders before time runs out. But one thing's for sure, it's not badly-drawn prime suspect Morten Harket, who's been in the cells since the first stiff was found, decapitated over several weeks with a nail file.

And with the head of the Swiss Army coming to town within days holding the key to world peace in his hands, Svenssonsson has to convince his boss, the dour and troubled DCI Monkfish, that General Emmenthal could be the final target. Can Svenssonsson save the General before it's too late?

Or will he be slowly burned to death over a period of several weeks with the final tool in the murderer's arsenal – the tiny, tiny magnifying glass?

And why has Victoria come home covered in blood yet again? Surely she should stop and look before crossing the road so she won't get run over by offal carts quite so often?

(Spoiler: The Swiss Army Knife Killer is Victoria, and she's also the A-Ha! Killer, a fact that only dawns on Svenssonsson as he is slowly burned to death over several weeks by a tiny, tiny Swiss Army knife magnifying glass)


  1. There's the hole in the plot, you see. You'd never, EVER, be able to burn anyone to death with any size of magnifying glass either in the UK or in Norway.

  2. Anonymous11:42 am

    Horten Market? Top for fuit and veg. Probably.

  3. I'd watch it, except that I haven't started on "Trapped" yet. Or "Deutschland 83". Or "Fargo" which is not in a FOREIGN language but might as well be.

  4. decnine12:47 pm

    The A-Halal killer?

  5. He sounds like he's a real blade! ;-)

  6. Is the killers full name Victoria Knox?

    (Did you see what I did there?)

  7. Phartland4:32 pm

    Meanwhile, Monkfish has had to drop all his live cases and rush to the aid of DCI Figurado Perez de Souza de Cardiac Arreste whose daughter has run off with an overweight cigar-smoking tuba player for some unknown reason. Perez is investigating a missing person who was on a ferry but failed to get off. The missing person, a care-worker at a privately run witless protection home for the elderly, is under suspicion of smuggling and dealing in Red Herrings (RDs) a highly addictive substance that leaves people staring at a TV set for hours on end.
    With Monkfish otherwise engaged, what will Svenssonsson do?