On having your innards ripped out by sea monsters and used as a skipping rope

On having your innards ripped out by sea monsters and used as a skipping rope

"There's nothing worse," said the Fragrant Mrs Duck, "that you standing over me when I'm taking my make-up off.

"Can't I get ready for bed in peace?"

I harumph, the cogs turning over in my mind, there being LOADS of things worse than my standing over her whilst she is removing her make-up. Not that she needs telling, or anything.

"Having your face eaten by woodpeckers."

"What? WHAT?"

"Having your face eaten by woodpeckers. That's loads worse than my standing over you while you are removing your make-up. Not that you need telling, or anything.

"Or, getting run over by a steam roller driven by Gordon Brown, taking his awful revenge on the country for voting Conservative.

"Or, sea monsters rising from the fish pond, ripping out your innards for a skipping rope and getting wet footprints on the hall carpet.

"Or, angry geese.

"Or..."

"Shut up. And stop standing over me."