On Riot Control

On Riot Control

Another summer of cuts to public service, and that means - sooner or later - the people are going to take to the streets to vent their anger against the government.

It's sad, then, that these affairs tend to turn nasty, public property gets smashed, and perfectly innocent people get their heads cracked open by police batons. This, I am sure you will agree, will not do. Time, I think, to renew my acquaintance with Home Secretary Theresa May, after giving my silly string plans a bit of a re-think.

Dear Theresa May,

Congratulations on your latest shoe purchase! The knee-length jackboot look is so YOU.

I've written before about my plan to arm police with silly string in order to calm riots situations. However, I've taken the time to refine my plan and have come up with something that is 100 per cent guaranteed to end even the most violent of situations.

The problem: Current police tactics - kettling, baton charges and use of police horses only make people angry, and the situation more explosive. By bringing a party to the party, police can actually turn that crowd's frown upside-down and the riot will be over before it even gets a chance to begin.

The solution (1): Custard pie fights. Let those angry young people work out their aggression on each other through the tried-and-tested medium of the custard pie fight. Indeed, the police can go as far as providing the protagonists with ammunition by driving vans full of custard pies into the conflict zone and allowing events to follow their natural, messy course.

The more enterprising police force may actually use pie vending machines, recouping at least some of that expensive police overtime into the bargain, if you can keep Eric Pickles away from the nosh.

The Solution (2): Once custard pie supplies are exhausted, it's time to move in with the silly string. Everybody loves silly string, and even the most militant of crusties will forget all about smashing the capitalist military-industrial complex once the fluorescent pink stuff starts flying.

Then, move in the heavy artillery - SILLY STRING CANNONS - wait for the former rioters to be trapped in a great hardened mass of pink goo, and it's simply a matter of time moving in and arresting them all before they eat their way out.

Result: End of riot, a big party, free love, the whole nine yards.

I am not mad.

Your pal


Albert O'Balsam

There is not way on God's Earth she can ignore this letter. Mainly because it's written in six-inch high letters with green crayon.