Weekend Video: Run DMC vs Jason Nevins - It's Like That

And why not?

SEEMS LEGIT

Me: "Hmmm... the light on this new torch seems a bit weedy."

Jane: "Can't see why - I've got one the same and it's perfectly fine."

Me: "Tell you what, I'll check out the batteries. I don't think they'd use anything dodgy."

SEEMS LEGIT

NOW WITH ADDED BUM

Jane's sister went on holiday to Hungary, and all I got was this lousy tasty gorgeous chocolate bar.

Mmmm.... Bum.

More people to go up against the wall come the revolution

The next group of people who will be up against the wall come the revolution are:

• Drivers who occupy both lanes in a traffic queue to stop other drivers going faster than them

Now, I've no objection to a bit of tactical blocking in the last yards of this sort of situation in order to stop queue-jumpers, but this bloke carried on like this for the best part of a mile while the right hand lane remained utterly empty in front of him.

The guy in the silver car, who seemed to be otherwise a decent chap was FUMING.

"What are those concrete pipes for?" asked Jane as we sat looking at his exhaust for twenty minutes.

"For sticking UP HIS ARSE" is the correct answer.

Spotter's badge if you recognised the A303 near Stonehenge, the traffic jam capital of the world.

On killer robots

Good news and bad news, everybody!

The good news is that Britain says it isn't building killer robots

This is good news because the last thing we want are killer robots running amok, turning on their fleshy masters and trampling us under their evil metallic rule.

The bad news is that Britain says it isn't building killer robots

This is bad news, because I'm sick of tutting at people who push in at traffic queues or take far too long at the post office.

This tutting process should be automated, and what better way than through killer robots, modified so that they don't run amok, turning on their fleshy masters and trampling us under their evil metallic rule.

Because if there's one thing you don't want from an post office tutting robot, it's watching it run amok, turning on their fleshy masters and trampling us under their evil metallic rule.

So, that's one thing that won't ever happen.

THE CULL

Do you know what's making me happy?

The 'block' button on Twitter and Facebook.

As my stress levels go down, I've taken a great deal of joy at zapping bell-ends that give me grief, or come onto my timeline spouting racist crap or similar cobblers.

One chap on Facebook - an ALL CAPS ranter - expressed opinions in support of the EDL. Bang. Gone.

While over on the Twitters, one gentleman whose sole use of the medium appeared to be to insult me was put through the shredder.

Each blocking is carefully considered to cause least offence, but then I NUKE THE BUGGERS FROM ORBIT.

Getting to like it.

Oh. Where have you all gone?

Lieutenant Vehicles

A mystery!

So, who exactly is this Lieutenant Vehicles chap, and why does he get his own entrance to P College?

Weekend Video: Peter Godwin - The Art of Love

A few weeks ago I posted a clip featuring 80s legend and all-round good guy Peter Godwin.

Delighted to report he's putting out new material as we speak.

I said it before and I'll say it again: CHAP

On honest housing estates

You can spot a new housing estate going up from miles away - the surfeit of flags and a huge sign that advertises "An exciting development of 27 executive homes" on what used to be a much-loved piece of woodland.

All these new developments are "exciting" or "outstanding" or "exclusive", and never "barely adequate", "shoddily built" or "Bloody hell, you want a garden with that?" as that would probably not sell many units.

And all these estates are called something twee, like "Primrose Dell", "Waiwright's Copse", or "River View Park", presumably to mark the demise of an area now covered in concrete.

What the world really needs, instead of twee version of a world gone by, is honestly named housing estates, which tell potential punters exactly what they're going to get.

Like:

- Your Neighbours Will All Be BMW Tossers Park
- Built on An Old Indian Burial Ground Street
- A depressing development of identikit houses which you can barely afford
- Didn't lay the sewage pipes properly Avenue
- Only one road out of this estate, you just try driving anywhere during the school run Copse
- Rabbit Hutch Starter Homes With a View over the Motorway

That way, I'll know where not to move

(Also, I've just noticed how angry the houses in the picture look)

 

Dog confusion

I take The New Dog Wilson Blue Rabbit for a walk, and as usual run into my neighbour - known on these pages as Sky Meat Woman - outside our house.

We have had The New Dog Wilson Blue Rabbit for two months now, but the conversation whenever we run into Sky Meat Woman is always the same:

SMW: "There's your lovely dog. What's his name again?"
Me: "Wilson"
SMW: "Winston"
Me: "No, Wilson."
SMW: "Hello, Winston!"

And the next day:

SMW: "There's your lovely dog. What's his name again?"
Me: "Wilson"
SMW: "Winston"
Me: "No, Wilson."
SMW: "Hello, Winston!"

Until:

SMW: "There's your lovely dog. What's his name again?"
Me: "Wilson"
SMW: "Winston"
Me: "Oh f___ it, he's Winston. From this moment on, his name is Winston."
SMW: "I thought you said he was Wilson"

Our next dog is going to be called "None of your business you mad old harpie".

In which my mind is utterly blown

Perusing the news agencies in the line of duty, I find that the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs is An Actual Thing.

Mind. Blown.

Granted, they are an actual thing that doesn't seem to do many actual things, but they keep diplomats off the streets of Vienna, in meetings passing resolutions and stuff when they could be out creating mischief.

If that wasn't enough, my pal Quarsan goes further to tell me that the UNESCO Astronomy and World Heritage Initiative is also An Actual Thing, going through all the bureaucratic things necessary to have the moon landings declared heritage sites.

These heritage sites, Andy tells me, include the detritus of the first manned landing in 1969, which includes "a bag of urine, a bag of poo, and Richard Nixon's autograph".

Mind. Blown. Again.

And with poo containing of shed intestinal matter, future scientists can go to the moon, collect a sample, and clone poor, dead Neil Armstrong.

Mind. Blown. Again. Again.

Of course, this neatly solves the eternal problem of what to do with unwanted bags of dog crap that litter parks and woodland all over our green and pleasant land.

Scoop them all up, shove them in a rocket ship, and heave them off to the moon. Let those pencil-necked geeks at the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs sort it all out.

The Search for the Next Great TV Detective

There's never a good TV detective drama on these days.

That's mainly because all the best ideas have gone. For example:

Rosemary and Thyme - In which two middle-aged women solve crimes through their knowledge of ornamental gardens

Pie in the Sky - In which Richard Griffiths solves crimes through his knowledge of gourmet cooking

Bergerac - In which Bergerac solves crimes through his knowledge of off-shore tax affairs

Midsomer Murders - In which Bergerac solves crimes through his knowledge of letting serial killers get on with it until there's nobody else left alive

This leaves precious few good ideas for the aspiring TV writer. That's why - as a public service - I've come up with these

Trigger, P.I. - Only Fools and Horses spin-off, in which Roger Lloyd-Pack solves crime through his knowledge of street-sweeping

They Ain't 'Alf Shot, Mum - In which former concert party singer Gunner 'Lofty' Sugden solves crimes through his knowledge of pith helmets

Cowell and Walsh - In which two X Factor judges investigate a series of murders at Boot Camp, through their knowledge of bad cover cover versions of popular songs. An allegory for the state of the entertainment industry in the second decade of the 21st Century

Acorah: Psychic Police - TV dead botherer Derek Acorah attempts to solve crime through his knowledge of speaking to the recently departed, but frustrated as hard-nosed Detective Inspector repeatedly refuses to use "They say they're at peace now" in a court of law

That lot ought to keep ITV4 in repeats until doomsday. Let's make TV!

If Pop Music Was Programmed in Basic

If Pop Music Was Programmed in Basic...

10 PRINT "Mega mega white thing"
20 PRINT "Lager"
30 GOTO 20

Original HERE

Weekend Video: John Foxx - Europe After The Rain

To mark the fact that I've finally got my greasy paws on a copy of Metadelic, a themed hits-n-remixes-n-rarities package that was announced a mere fifteen years ago, here's a none-more-eighties Top of the Pops appearance by Mr Foxx himself.

That waistcoat. The posh woman on the piano. Those statues. The no drummer.

How eighties is that? Answer: NONE MORE EIGHTIES

On fining drivers who hog the middle lane on motorways, and other menaces

These #NewTrafficLaws that will mean £100 fines motorway middle lane hogs are all well and good, but I don't think they go far enough.

#NewTrafficLaws Ban on Comic Sans on the back of vans

#NewTrafficLaws Toll gates outside schools between 0800-0900 and 1500-1600

#NewTrafficLaws People above retirement age driving Kia hatchbacks banned from the morning rush hour

#NewTrafficLaws Severe ticking off for people who turn right on busy roads

#NewTrafficLaws Gibbets to be erected at mini-roundabouts to prevent three-way-right-turn stand-offs

#NewTrafficLaws Gibbets at mini-roundabouts to be used on people who design mini-roundabouts

#NewTrafficLaws Unlimited fines for people who leave really huge gaps in front of them in traffic jams

#NewTrafficLaws People in BMWs

#NewTrafficLaws People who stop and block the way when an ambulance is coming ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD

#NewTrafficLaws Lorries overtaking each other on dual carriageways must be fitted with rocket assist

#NewTrafficLaws Snatch squads to discipline drivers who leave their indicators on

#NewTrafficLaws Immediate ban on people who use hashtags in blog posts

That'll do it.

Quite literally angry people in local newspapers

If you've being living in a hole, or if you've stumbled on this site by mistake, you might not know that I curate the Angry People inLocal Newspapers site, in which I post pictures of angry people in local newspapers.

My favourite angry people photos are the ones where they've made an effort – often through the cunning use of props and furious facial expressions – to re-enact what it is that is making them angry.

For no reason at all, here are a few:

 We've been gagged!

Gone on hunger strike over his favourite football team

Council 'wasting money' on canal work

I'm a dog poo detective!

And - of course -

AAARGH! SAUSAGES!



Yes, I am aware of the growing trend for angry people wearing gags over their mouth, and it sickens me. Sickens me to the core.

More of this sort of thing.

On commissioning a proper study into the toilet habits of the modern British male

A recent trip to IKEA competely wrecked by the toilet experience.

What happened was this: Given the choice of three vacant urinals, the gentleman in front of me ignored all toilet protocol and went for the one in the middle. THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE.

Sickening, I am sure you'll agree.

As we all know, the accepted practice given a row of free pissoirs is to take one on the end, leaving a natural space between you and the next person to arrive. Forcing another visitor to stand next to you is wrong and an invasion of your personal space.

I was forced, dear reader, to take one of the spares either side of him, and such was my rage I couldn't even go until he had left.

However, the experience got me thinking. How many other men are unaware of the correct urinal protocols? How many men have never been taught the rules of the toilet and do this all the time? I suspect that this kill is one being lost down the years, and that's the trouble with great unwritten, unspoken rules.

The first - and most important - thing to do in this case is to commission a study into gentlemen's urinal habits. This means I need to recruit a large number of people to stand around in lavatories with a clipboard and a camera, taking names and addresses of users and their comments on urinal use. This is, I am sure you will agree, the very cutting edge of social science that creates dozens of (albeit very temporary) jobs.

To get the richest cross-section of society, we will also need to put spotters into such diverse places as (naturally) the WC at IKEA in Southampton where it all began, the House of Commons facilities, a Yorkshire working men's club, and the gents at Millwall football ground.

Science will never forget the sacrifice these volunteers are going to make, and a major part of our research grant will go towards buying suitable headstones and memorials for the fallen.

Let's hear it for SCIENCE!

A message to my 14 year old self

So, if you had the chance, what message would you put into a time capsule and send back to the younger version of you?

I'm pretty sure that most people would send smething inspiring: "Think positive. Be yourself. It'll turn out OK"

Or: "Yes, that dark haired girl in your class. Future wife"

Or: "Study hard. You'll make it"

Me, it'll be none of these. The message that goes back to 1980 is this:

"Remember that joke?"

"What joke you bearded idiot?"

"The one that goes 'What's the worst thing in the world? Recycled toilet paper'"

"Yeah, that's a cracker."

"Out of a cracker, more like. Stop laughing. I'm from the future. Civilisation is doomed and recycled Toilet Paper is where it's at."

"And..."

"Stock up, son. Stock up."

This time 35 years ago, Rodders....

EDL FACTS

They're everybody's favourite comedy racists! But did you know these 100 per cent TRUE FACTS about the English Defence League?

1. In Japanese, "EDL" translates as "Funny fat man with small penis"

2. In recent scientifically controlled tests, only 19% of EDL members could spell "Defence"

3. Current EDL campaigns include a letter-writing campaign to Vladimir Putin to make the capital of Russia sound "a little less like Mosque"

4. Celebrity EDL supporters include: Nobody famous, at all.

5. The EDL is against the wearing of the burka in public. "It's wrong to have people hiding their face on the street, innit" said one activist from behind his EDL balaclava.

6. The organisation is at pains to point out that they're not racist. They hate everybody equally. Including themselves.

7. This is fact number seven. Only 3% of EDL members can count this high.

8. Once the EDL have achieved victory is stopping Sharia in all its forms in the United Kingdom, they will move on to a new, more pressing target which they call "Fuck you Buddha, you pie-eating peado"

9. Many accuse EDL marches of being nothing but an excuse for hooligans to get together, smash up pubs and Sieg Heil at anybody who looks a bit foreign. This is – in fact – all part of a trance state of ultra-patriotism that all members must attain before being accepted into the fold

10. Caught doing a Sieg Heil salute in public? Laugh it off by saying that you were waving to a friend on the other side of the road, who is also a Nazi.

Interested in joining the EDL? Think Britain can be saved by standing in the street with a can of (Jamaican) Red Stripe, calling passers-by peadeophiles in front of their kids? Congratulations, patriot! Dial 999, and when prompted tell the operator the secret pass-phrase "I want to hand myself in".

More FACTS about the EDL HERE

Weekend Video: New Order - Everything's Gone Green

Every now and then, my brick-like mp3 throws up a track I've forgotten I own. Then it's on reporeat for the rest of the day.

From New Order - Singles, for all your post-Joy Division Manc disco needs

On not being the horsey type

I've ended up on some mailing list where I keep getting over-priced invitations to corporate events.

The latest is a cunningly worded missive offering me a VIP trip to the Horse of the Year Show, in return for £189 of the Queen's pounds. Plus VAT.

Now, I'm not a horsey person. I sat on one once and didn't like it much. However, £189 plus VAT is a bit steep, even for the most committed of equine enthusiasts.

I'm not going to beat about the bush. For that money, I'd expect Princess Anne to come round to my roped off VIP area, has a bit of small talk, then pull me off.

Niche market, they'd sell thousands.

An ultimately depressing observation about the universe

As I look around the world today, I am unceasingly amazed that every last particle of matter that I see was present at the Big Bang, the very genesis of the universe.

The Earth, the stars, the convenience shop, the bloke who just did the MoT on my car, the unexpected item in the bagging area. All there at the moment of creation.

Of course, the atoms are arranged somewhat differently these days, because I imagine the bloke from the convenince store would have something to say about the Big Bang hogging the parking spaces outside.

Even you, dear reader, was there at the start, and will be there at the end as our current universe slowly fizzles out.

Alas, this process of entropy is already happening as the following photo proves. What was there at the glorious flash of light at the start has decayed into chaos, doom and darkness.

We're buggered, aren't we?

In which your author is sick inna hedge

As I stepped out of the front door, I noticed another of those big yellow plastic bags that somebody has been dumping along our street.

It is neither big nor clever, but the buggers have been dumped in gutters and in hedges for some time now.

And now, there is one right outside my front door. Time to do something. Time to take action.

For the first time, I see what's written on the side:

"Animal Funeral Services - Pets for Mass Cremation"

Uh-oh.

The bag appears to have something in it, too.

Double uh-oh.

I utter up a not-so-silent prayer to anybody that may be listening that the contents are not as advertised.

Please don't be a kitten please don't be a kitten please don't be a...

It wasn't a kitten.

It was a soiled nappy.

A heavily soiled nappy.

Adult sized.

Triple uh-oh.

Then I was sick inna hedge

Another one ticked off the bucket list

In which your author fulfills a life-long ambition and tears a telephone directory in half.

Unfortunately, it's not the incredible feat of strength it used to be.

In other news: They still have phone directories.

On replacing ITV's Dancing on Ice

Now that ITV's Dancing on Ice has been axed, there's a huge gap in the market for another celebrity jeopardy show where people who were once on the periphery of fame risk hideous mutilation for your entertainment.

So, poo-pooing the controlled faked danger of the likes of I'm a Celebrity, here's my new big idea that virtually guarantees actual famous entrails, direct to your homes:

Celebrity Tiger Wrestling - in which celebrities get to fight tigers TO THE DEATH.

However, the title's not up to much, and it needs a bit more "oomph". So...

Cougar vs Cougars, in which Kerry Katona fights increasingly hungry/rabid wild cats TO THE DEATH

We all know that Kerry needs the cash and will turn up to the opening of an envelope, so she's a nailed on cert to take part.

I feel sorry for those poor, poor kitties.

MASSIVE DOG

Just a picture of our MASSIVE DOG*

*He is very, very small

Weekend Video: Hans Zimmer, Warren Cann, Zaine Griff, Ronny and Peter Godwin

I present eightiest video ever: Ronny - Blue Cabaret

The drummer from Ultravox, legendary flim soundtrack bloke Zimmer, a French singer who has clearly seen Cabaret a million times, military uniforms, moody lighting and the most New Rom song in existence.

Let that be a warning to you. New Roms never die: We just dress in black and stand in the shadows.

Also, I have invented the word "Eightiest"

And from the same concert...

Peter Godwin - Images of Heaven

...who I ran into on the electric Facebooks recently. CHAP.