A bit of gardening advice that doesn't involve blowjobs

A bit of gardening advice that doesn't involve blowjobs

So, here's a bit of gardening advice.

If you're one of these posh types with an ornamental fountain in your garden, do be careful with how you maintain it.

For example, your fountain may be in the shape of a frog, with the water entering through a tube at the front of the base, and coming out again through a spout in the frog's mouth.

If your frog fountain becomes blocked, do not - I repeat: DO NOT - take your ornamental frog, and blow through the groin-level entry tube to clear out the blob of muck that's stopping the flow.

Because this will be the EXACT moment your neighbour sticks his head over the fence and bid you a good morning.

The exact moment you are giving a blowjob to a frog.

The words "This is not how it looks" cut little ice.

Happy car / Angry car: Gremlins Special

Happy car / Angry car: Gremlins Special

"Hey, Al," says my pal Mersey Mal, "isn't the Austin Healey Sprite the happiest-looking car in the known universe?"


And look at his little face! That has to be the happiest car I've ever seen.

Of course, that photo was taken BEFORE some stupid idiot went and fed it after midnight. Then this happened:


I think you'll agree, that's worse than that Stephen King film about the car. You know: The Really Long Book They Made Into A Really Long Film About An Evil Car

Don't have nightmares.

The oldest paperboy in town

The oldest paperboy in town

In the spirit of offering fatherly advice, I did a paper round for first time in 30 years the other day. The boy had just landed himself the job, and being a veteran of the day-glo yellow bag myself, I thought I'd tag along on the first Sunday to make sure he knew the ins-and-outs of the ancient art of newspaper delivery.

Yes, he knew the ins-and-outs of the ancient art of newspaper delivery. I, on the other had, walked into a tree, got run over by the boy's newspaper trolley, and got chased by mad cat woman's cats.

I knew I should have stayed in my pit that morning.

My 80s paper round was marred by the sight of Peter McCafferty's enormous mum (Daily Star) getting dressed in living room window. Kids these days don't know how lucky they are if these are the only lessons they take home from their morning's work:

Paper round lesson no.1: My entire estate reads the Mail on Sunday. Nation = Doomed

Paper round lesson no.2: Don't get run over by a trolley filled with Mail on Sundays. Hurty

Paper round lesson no.3: A Mail on Sunday may be your only defence against a Mad Cat Woman's cat. However, a spoiled newspaper may lead to customer complaints

And back to bed.

Lost invisibility cloak

Lost invisibility cloak

The Lost Cat Liberation Army STRIKES AGAIN.

And here it is in the wild:

Weekend Video: Los Campesinos - You! Me! Dancing!

Weekend Video

Los Campesinos - You! Me! Dancing!



(Easily bored? Zap out the first minute of the ridiculously long intro. You will be rewarded)

Something tells me this song isn't really about dancing . At least not in the vertical sense.

In which your author spots a dog driving a boat

In which your author spots a dog driving a boat

So, it appears that they've got Guide Dogs for the Blind driving cars now. But - riddle me this - what if they want to take a boating holiday?

It's a dog, people, a DOG DRIVING A MELON-FARMING BOAT! ON THE MELON-FARMING RIVER THAMES!

End Times, people, End Times.

In which your author spots a dog driving a car

In which your author spots a dog driving a car

"Bloody hell!" I exclaimed in shock and surprise, "There's a dog driving that car!"

And indeed, there was a dog, sitting on its owner's lap, cruising past us without the slightest care in the world.

On the M25 motorway. At 80 miles per hour.

For Fido, not a single shit was given that day.

Of course, no one would be THAT stupid to allow their dog to sit, completely unrestrained on their lap, as they drove down the fast lane of the busiest highway in western Europe, because they'd be banned from driving forever, and paraded on one of those 'Police, Camera, Action' shows, hourly, for the next two decades.

There has to be some sort of logical explanation.

And, dammit, there is:

"He's blind," I eventually said.

"He's WHAT?"

"He's blind, and that's a specially-trained Driving Dog for Blind Drivers."

"That's just mad."

"Or it's a specially-trained Driving Dog for Stupid Drivers."

"Are you absolutely sure?"

"Oh yes, it's the latest big thing from America. Just you watch out, you'll see dozens."

And we drove all the way to Eastbourne and back, yet saw none.

Science asks: What are owls made of?

Science asks: What are owls made of?

Owls. What are they made of?

If you said "feathers, beaks and tasty, tasty owl meat", then you are right, and you may take the rest of the day off.

But then, what are these made of? True, you may say molecules, atoms and DNA and stuff, but what about the very essence that makes an owl an owl?

That's why billions have been spent by celebrity scientists such as Professor Brian Cox and that bloke with the huge head out of Mock the Week on the Large Hedwig Collider, where streams of electron particles are fired at owls to see what they are made of.

And after much research and very long lunch breaks, SCIENCE confirms that owls are made of slightly smaller owls, each layer of owl being smaller than the last.

This goes down to the fundamental particle of owlness, for which these people have made their life's work to discover.

They have called it the HOOTON.

Also, there is an anti-hooton, which is the fundamental particle of small squaeky creatures eaten by owls.

Science: It's fucking brilliant, isn't it?

Happy Car / Angry Car: Libyan Civil War Special

Happy Car / Angry Car: Libyan Civil War Special

War. It's HELL. Unless - of course - you are a pick up truck with a smart pair of sunglasses, and it's a laugh a minute.

On the other hand, you could be some sort of armoured car. And armoured cars have the hump ALL THE TIME.

And if you are Colonel Gaddafi and you are reading this: GET OFF MY LAWN.

RACING CAR THAT LOOKS LIKE A REALLY HAPPY FROG

RACING CAR THAT LOOKS LIKE A REALLY HAPPY FROG

You know what I haven't done for ages?

A picture of a racing car that looks like a really happy frog, that's what.



Thanks to Ricardipus for the original photo. Here is what a particularly happy frog might look like:

Previously in cars, trains and buses that look like other things:

* Happy car / Angry car

* Surprised owl car

* Happy train that's really a complete bastard

* Train that's eaten YOUR MUM

* Bus that looks like an owl

* Racing car that looks like a wide-mouthed frog

Buzz Lightfear

Buzz Lightfear

What in the name of Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ is happening on the Isle of Sheppey where kids are subjected to this kind of horror?

Good of the artist - I thought - to model his likeness of Disney hero Buzz Lightyear on that of a recent Doctor Who villain...

It's no good. I've crapped myself in fear.

Weekend Video: Echo and the Bunnymen

Weekend Video

Echo and the Bunnymen - The Killing Moon



And we quote from The Gospel of The Young Ones...

VYVYAN: Why aren't you dead?

RIK: I'm not prepared to discuss it with you, Vyvyan. You will be hearing from my solicitors in the morning. I'm going to write to my MP.

NEIL: You haven't got an MP, Rik. You're an anarchist.

RIK: Oh. Well, then I shall write to the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen. [writing] Dear Mr. Echo....

What's your Rapper Name?

What's your Rapper Name?

What's your official West Coast Gangsta Rapper Name?

Find out by simply add "MC" in front of your first name, and "RIP we'll never forget you" at the end.

Then go out and "diss" East Coast Gangsta rappers until you are dead.

Take it easy.

Your pal,

MC Scary RIP we'll never forget you

On viruses

On viruses

A pop-up appears on my laptop!

"AVG has protected you from several threats recently".

To which I reply: "What do you want, a fucking medal?"

Has AVG prevented a bunch of chavs from putting my Nissan Micra up on bricks and pissing through my letterbox?

No. No, it has not.

No, it's has merely spent its time standing idly by, rubbing its thighs as I cruise Google Images with "Safe search OFF".

Hardly what I'd call the work of effective hired goons.

Get a grip AVG, you're nothing but a bunch of usele...

+++ CARRIER LOST +++

Citizen Kane: SHITE

Citizen Kane: SHITE

According to the TV adverts, Spy Kids 4D is "the greatest movie ever", and because this claim has been made on national TV, that makes it 100 per cent official.

Sorry, Citizen Kane, but you can't argue with the idiot box. It's Spy Kids 4D now, and when they make 5D with extra made-up dimensions, the rest of the film industry might as well jack it in.

Let's face the facts:

Did Citizen Kane come with 3D glasses?

Did Citizen Kane come with a scratch and sniff card?

The answer to these - and several other completely pointless questions - is, of course, "no". Hell's teeth, Citizen Kane isn't even in colour.

Give it up, Orson Welles, you're shite.

The hell of the village fete

The hell of the village fete

Oh, man - there's nothing to match the kind of local rivalry you get at village fetes.

Still, a couple of rounds of the Soggy Biscuit Game beats the usual competitive vegetable growing, and that can't be all bad.

Pic via Tom Cox

In which I do not collect novelty bottle stoppers

In which I do not collect novelty bottle stoppers

Let me make this absolutely clear: I DO NOT COLLECT NOVELTY BOTTLE STOPPERS

I admit I once bought a novelty bottle stopper with a duck on it from a local kitchen shop, but this was simply to stop a bottle of wine from going off, and for NO OTHER REASON.

However, people who come into my kitchen clap eyes on the novelty bottle stopper with a duck, and are now convinced that I collect novelty bottle stoppers. This means that come every birthday and Christmas I am deluged with the things. come every birthday and Christmas.

People return from holidays with novelty bottle stoppers from Spanish resorts with all kinds of animals birds and cartoon characters. I even have one with my name spelled wrong on it. I now have many novelty bottle stoppers despite the fact that I do not collect novelty bottle stoppers.

So, to summarise: I DO NOT COLLECT NOVELTY BOTTLE STOPPERS. If I receive any novelty bottle stoppers to the usual address, they will be returned yo you in a package marked "Hamster butt plugs: For export only".

There.

Weekend Video: 80s bonus edition

Weekend Video: 80s bonus edition

Not the Nine O'Clock News: Football Hooligans



Seeing as we're repeating history...

Weekend Video: John Foxx - Underpass

Weekend Video

John Foxx - Underpass



Tories in power, rioting on the streets of London, economy in free-fall. If we're living in the 80s again, we might as well have 80s music as well.

PIE NEWS FLASH

PIE NEWS FLASH

We like pie.

In fact one of my earliest campaigns led by these pages was for the return of the Breville Pie Magic, a campaign which ended in woe in the face of an uncaring manufacturer.

Resigned, I was, to the thought that machine-made pie in the comfort of my home was a thing of the past.

HOW WRONG I WAS.

For, leafing through the door-stop that is the new Argos catalogue I can report thussly:

HOLY ACTUAL BLOODY CRAP! The Breville Pie Magic IS BACK!

Okay, it's called the "Breville Deluxe VTP147 Pie Maker", but barring a few bells and whistles, it's very much the same thing, giving you a lifetime of pie goodness, all for a bargain £39.99.

The Second Coming of The Pie Magic.

My mission here: IT IS DONE.

On riots, justice and CRAB JUSTICE

On riots, justice and CRAB JUSTICE

I think we're all agreed: The recent riots wihch were our country's anti-Diana moment were A Bad Thing. Especially when some DREADFUL CUR came along and looted the very cup of tea from my actual kitchen. A veritable zombie apocalypse, only worse than zombies.

Whilst crime and punishment has been swift, there are rumblings that mere prison sentences and community work won't be enough to deter the culprits.

What the average Daily Mail-reading Joe on the streets demands is thoroughly evil and ironic justice of unmatched cruelty. So, we've channeled our inner Tebbit, and have come up with a few policy hints for the wallahs at the Home Office.

- Boil them alive in tramp sick

- Force a broom up their arse, and make the blighters walk the streets, sweeping up as they go

- Cut off their testicles and replace them with pickled onions. Then show them a series of photos of cheese sandwiches, and slaughter them where they stand if there is even a twitch in the trouser parts

- Fire them out of a cannon straight up Ann Widdecombe's chuff, and then out of another, slightly larger cannon straight into a swamp

- Ties them to stakes at low tide and let the crabs do the rest, for CRAB JUSTICE cannot be denied

- Put them in a liquidiser, mix them with tarmac and use them to resurface the M25, then feed the rest to leopards

- Feed them to Jeremy Clarkson, then feed Jeremy Clarkson to leopards

- Sentenced to an X Factor-style talent show, where sudden-death elimination means exactly that

All of these are genuine suggestions from the Daily Mail website*

* None of these are genuine suggestions from the Daily Mail website

Tomorrow on The Jeremy Kyle Show

Jeremy Kyle

Tomorrow on The Jeremy Kyle Show:

"Am I the father of your fish baby, or did you just buy a fish and push it around in a pram to mess with my head?"

"If I didn't lay this giant egg, WHO DID?"

"You've had sex with four generations of my family. How can I trust you with great-great-great-grandmother?"

"Your jellyfish fetish is tearing us apart!"

"Lie Detector Results: Did a mad scientist clone you, and then let your clone have sex with both of my sisters and my mum and my aunt and her best friend, then kill the clone and utterly destroy the body so that absolutely no trace remains?"

"You sold the triplets for medical experiments and spent the money on cheap lager. What's the tax situation?"

"HELP! My boyfriend's learning to read and I'm scared he might eventually give up rutting like a monkey in a zoo, wear his baseball cap the right way round and go out and find work"

"You made me have plastic surgery to look like Gary Glitter, now I'm scared to go outdoors"

"Tits or face?"

Appeal for guests: Are you having a sexual relationship with a squid? Is a close member of your family having a sexual relationship with a squid and you all want to come on national television and embarrass yourselves before engaging in a punch-up over your ridiculous perversion while Jeremy shouts at you? Then call 09011 123456 and tell us about your sweet, sweet squid loving. Because we know you're out there.

All this and more tomorrow morning on ITV! Alternatively, go out and throw yourself into the canal.

The many ordeals of Oscar Wilde

The many ordeals of Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde.

Poor, dear Oscar.

Since I moved back to Reading, I have spent up to several minutes thinking about the fate of the town's most famous - and most reluctant - resident, slammed up in Reading Gaol on ancient homosexuality laws.

For every time I pass Reading Gaol, I think about the torment to which Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde was subjected, knowing that just on the other side of the wall was a McDonalds Drive-Thru restaurant. Those tasty, tasty M&M McFlurries, so near yet so far. The thought of it must have driven the great poet and wit halfway up the wall.

I'm surprised he didn't mention it in his poem, to be honest.

Worse, there's a big Argos next door to Reading Gaol McDonalds. It must have killed Oscar Wilde in the heart to know that the new catalogue's out, and he couldn't get his hands on Britain's favourite retail doorstop.

And just down from McDonalds, Argos and the big Toys R Us, is DFS. The Linda Barker range. No wonder poor, poor Oscar fled the country on his release, never to return.

Oscar Wilde: We're really, really sorry.

The deathly woe of office tea-making

The deathly woe of office tea-making

Has this ever happened to you?

1. Put on office kettle for a cup of tea with exactly enough water to make yourself a cup AND NO MORE

2. Nip away for a quick trip to the toilet while kettle is boiling

3. Return, to find kettle has now been filled completely to the brim with freezing cold water and switched back on

4. Wait for five minutes, staring with hatred at the rogue mug now sitting next to yours

5. Make tea, return to desk, NEVER FIND OUT to whom the other mug belongs

I am sure you will agree that while this is - perhaps - not so bad as having both your legs sawn off at the knee whilst being forced to listen to a CD of the collected speeches of Margaret Thatcher, people HAVE DIED FOR LESS.

Weekend Audio: Nantes - Fly

Weekend Audio

Nantes - Fly


Nantes - Fly

Another Aussie band, whose song I fell in love with completely by accident whilst waiting for Ms Washington's latest to debut on Australian radio the other night.

I know virtually nothing about them, except for the fact that they're from Sydney, and have nowhere nearly enough followers on that there Facebook.

Australia, everybody! Let's hear it for Australia!

Weekend Video: Washington - Holy Moses

Weekend Video

Washington: Holy Moses



The lastest from Megan Washington, who I am certainly not stalking. Features a welcome return of the kazoo to popular music.

Cooking tips for beginners

Cooking tips for beginners

Chaps. At some stage in your life you may have to cook for yourself. For example: The chipshop may be closed, or the man from the kebab shop recognises you from the dreadful chunder-through-the-letterbox thing that you thought you had dreamed.

Now, this could be a potential minefield, but - trust me here - it is not. Anything goes. ANYTHING. Except for this:

It's not the name of the ingredient. It's what they've done to it in the factory.

AVOID.

Sooty v Paul Daniels

Sooty v Paul Daniels

News reaches us of an unfortunate incident in which veteran stage magician Paul Daniels was clobbered round the head by a pizza wielded by mute TV puppet Sooty.

All an unfortunate accident, we are told. BUT WAS IT?

These are but rumours, but we are already hearing ugly stories that the Lovely Debbie McGee was subsequently tea-bagged by Sooty's thuggish side-kick Sweep.

And then, BREAKING on the wires the unfortunate news that Sooty's reign of terror against stage magicians continues as reports come in of an incident involving Derren Brown and a saveloy.

Why do you think Teller out of Penn and Teller never speaks? He has SEEN TOO MUCH

I think we can all agree - there is nothing worse than your childhood puppet heroes turning on their fleshy masters

Of course, Sooty's struck before. Tommy Cooper, grassy knoll, blow-dart to the back of the neck. Game over.

HE MUST BE STOPPED

People may see Sooty as an innocent stage and TV act, delighting young and old alike with his magic show, but this is nothing but a front. Minutes of research on the internet have uncovered accusations that he is part of a wider conspiracy against family entertainers, led by a mysterious Mr Big exploiting Sooty's hatred for those he blames for his slide down the TV entertainment pecking order.

Sooty - holed up in a compound in Russ Abbottabad - may be the culprit in these outrages, but he cannot be blamed. He is a mere puppet.

All quiet on the LinkedIn front

Since my last rant on LinkedIn, the social network for gits, rescue appears to have come in the shape of TV's Dave Gorman.

The man himself found himself in a similar boat, despite NOT EVEN HAVING A LINKEDIN ACCOUNT.

Essentially, pop-pickers, if you get LinkedIn emails, even if you don't have an account, or have deleted your account, there is a cunningly hidden email opt-out form.

And it is here - LinkedIn: Please tell us to fuck off, whereby you get to send them a nice email asking to go an a Do Not Contact list

Subject: Add My Email To Do Not Contact List

Dear LinkedIn,

Congratulations on being the web's top business-based social networking website.

Sadly, as I am not a git, I have no wish to be a member. Please stop sending me emails.

Just stop it.

PLEASE.

I don't want them, because I am not a git.

Be lucky.

Your pal,

Albert O'Balsam

And I sent them a nice picture, because the mail form allows attachments.

That ought to do it.

Update: Not counting chickens, but that appears to have done it. Thanks, TV's Dave Gorman!

PUN ALERT

PUN ALERT

If it pleases the court, I would like to offer the following:

If I am guilty of anything, it is over-enthusiasm in the task which I had undertaken.

You see, your honour, I had been employed by a major non-fiction publisher to produce a recipe book for people who like to eat their footwear.

This might be seen by some as a little unusual, but there is a thriving market for tasty recipes for shoes, sandals, boots and carpet slippers, mostly reformed tramps who still yearn for the authentic taste of hobo cuisine.

As my quest went on, I found it harder and harder to obtain new material, and I was forced to go public with my scheme, advertising in public places my need for unwanted footwear.

It was at that point I was caught writing the words "I WILL COOK YOUR SOCK" on the door of a toilet cubicle by an illiterate security guard and subsequently arrested. Sadly, my pleas of "It's not what you think, big boy" fell on deaf ears amid cries of "You're going down for this, melon farmer!"

I throw myself upon the mercy of the court and its luscious footwear.

The Law, and the Law of the Sea

The Law, and the Law of the Sea

I see - once again - another doomed government policy that allows people to suggest new policies to Parliament if they get enough names on a petition.

Yes, we've been over this ground before, and we're already seeing interest groups flexing their muscles to force the House of Commons to waste its time debating capital punishment, Shariah Law, EU membership and a ban on shiny white toilet paper.

Here's a note to the goverment: STOP IT YOU PLANKS. People have a chance to take politicians to account and set future policy every few years by means on "elections". Petitions will give you nothing but knee-jerk laws, depending on what new frenzy the national press can whip up.

However, if this entire half-arsed scheme becomes law, I suggest that we get in on the ground floor.

Join me then on my quest to change criminal justice to laws based on the Pirate Code

Of course, it's not so much of a code than a set of guidelines.

The advantages of Pirate Law include:

- Right of parley

- Pieces of eight for turning in crims

- Criminals hung from the yard-arm, walking the plank, given a taste of the cat, or fed to sea monsters depending on the mood of the Cap'n

- Severe punishments for Grog-Driving

- Flogging

- More flogging

- Even more flogging, and grog

Avast ye, scurvy knaves - are ye with me? We'll cast this legless bunch of lubbers adrift, and sail the Spanish Main, and this country will be great again. Also, free grog.

I am not mad.