The Perfect Lunch Box and A Mailshot to the Heart

To the Science Museum in London, where among the trains, boats, planes and spaceships comes this - the perfect lunchbox.

I think you will agree that this is SCIENCE at the cutting edge of human knowledge. Lunch comes out, poo goes in, poo gets taken home to generate electricity to cook tomorrow's lunch. Just be careful to eat out of the right side of the lunchbox, that's all.

Then home to find this hideous mailshot to my heart waiting for me on the doormat.

"Plan for your retirement NOW!" it implores me, urging me to visit their newly-built facility in Fleet town centre. I am forty-something years old, the cheeky bastard.

But - what-ho! - what is this on the front?

Aside from the silver-haired temptress on the front cover of their glossy brochure (they really do know their way to a man's groin heart) comes the promise of a £10 M&S voucher just for turning up.

Ten pounds from M&S is nothing to be sneezed at - that's nearly two pairs of socks these days, or slightly over one pair of pants. Exactly what the new boy in Fleet's finest retirement complex should be wearing while schmoozing round the day room, and I immediately resolve: "Yep, I'm having some of that".

I bet there's a catch.

"M&S voucher offer open to over-60s only."

Bastards.