TIM PEAKE SPACE FACTS

Space Hitler: Cockwomble

Tim Peake has been launched into space, yet still they can't sort out the traffic lights on my way to work. But here's some TIM PEAKE SPACE FACTS.

Tim Peake is on a secret mission to end the threat of Space Hitler for once and for all.

Tim Peake's biggest problem as the only British person on the ISS will be having to think up variations on the words "Thank you" when the same person keeps holding an airlock open for him.

Peake's greatest worry is that he might have to post a middling review about the ISS on Tripadvisor because there's nobody to fold the toilet paper into a little point

A Soho cafe is sending the first Hipster astronaut into the heart of the sun tomorrow. He wants to get there before it gets cool

One giant leap for a pig's bladder full of wind

Tim Peake's secondary mission is to retrieve Chris Waddle's Italia 90 semi-final penalty, now in its 25th year in orbit

British boffins are already working on daily supply missions of fresh tea and Full English Breakfast for Peake, at a cost to the British taxpayer of £30m per day.

"I can't believe I've got to clear up after these jerks"

One of Major Tim's first actions aboard the International Space Station is to be photographed for his local newspaper, pointing forlornly at a floating dog turd because his predecessor couldn't be arsed to tidy up after the ISS space dogs.

Peake's Soyuz capsule took longer than expected to reach the ISS as he insisted on stopping along the way at a Spar market to get biscuits.

Tim Peake's Christmas gift to his fellow astronauts on the ISS: Two sopping wet Christmas hams each. Unwrapped. $20 value. Limited supply. (Sponsored FACT by Dmitri's New York Ham Emporium - Two guaranteed sopping wet hams for $20)