Friday, October 09, 2015

On not feeding the trolls

 It's a known maxim on the internet that you shouldn't respond to trolls. They are - by and large - terrible people who thrive on the attention that is sadly missing from their everyday lives. Do not give them the time of day, for they are really weak and damaged and probably have very small private parts.

But if you MUST engage with them, be horrbily, horribly polite. Type in Stephen Fry's voice. They hate that.

For eg:

He said: "I'm not racist, I just hate ALL muslims"

I pointed out that this was - in fact - very racist, and he might like to cease his all-caps ranting and reconsider his position. After all, this is where proper grown-ups come to talk.

He didn't like my suggestion one little bit, and after a bit of a one-sided to-and-fro, suggested some violent modifications to my body, which to any reasonable person resembled punishments under Shari'ah Law. For example, the removal of one or more limbs so that I would not be able to type reasonable and polite replies in his general direction.

I told him this was a ludicrous suggestion, especially that Siri now comes with voice activation, and that I'd probably work out how to type with my nose sooner or later. I also suggested that while he might be very racist, his limb-removal service in the name of correcting people's behaviour shows that he subconsciously supported the Shari'at of the Muslim faith which he despises.
This was all too much for him, and things, sadly, went rapidly downhill from there.

Remember kids: Politeness costs nothing.

Wednesday, October 07, 2015

A New Low in my Life (Episode 386)

A new low amongst many, many lows. But here I am carrying my lunch back to the office from the local Tesco Express, having loaded a sandwich, a banana and a price-reduced Hoisin Duck Sushi Taster pack into a dog poo bag which I found in my coast pocket.

An unused dog poo bag, because I'm not some sort of animal.

On this - the third day of the government's new tax on single-use plastic bags from supermarkets - I have made a substantial saving of five new pence.

I'd treat myself to something utterly luxurious, but even penny chews are probably 10p each these days.

A new low indeed.

Tuesday, October 06, 2015


I just realised this photo of Wilson doing a footplant is a meme in the making. So I memed it up. Memed it up good.

You're welcome.

Monday, October 05, 2015

Friday, October 02, 2015

Harry Potter Facts!

I bloody love Harry Potter. He's ace. But did you know...?

At one point during his Hogwarts career, Potter was nothing but a badly-drawn floating head, the result of a prank by noted dickheads, the Weasley Twins

The Sorting Hat is not magical at all, and is simply Dumbledore throwing his voice. The tell-tale signs are the fact that it's actually "Bryffindor", and one first year found himself assigned to "Gottle of Geer" house.

The original challenges in the Tri-Wizard Tournament were:
  • Cancelling a LinkedIn account
  • Running through a council estate in Middlesbrough in full wizard costume shouting "I do believe in fairies, I do, I do"
  • Kicking Professor Snape up the arse

The unpublished last page of book seven reveals Harry still living under the stairs at the Dursleys at 4 Privet Drive, making up the adventures in his head to dampen the fear of Uncle Vernon's nightly visits. [It's not what you think - Uncle Vernon just wants Harry to fix his laptop because it's running so slowly with Windows 95 these days, and hardly connects to the internet and somebody obviously hacked those photos Mrs Dursley found]
Here's next year's Defence Against The Dark Arts master

The correct pronunciation of Hermione is HER-MEE-OWN. JK Rowling says she will "personally shit up" people who insist on calling her HER-MY-ONNY. "I just wish I had called her Jo," says JK, "It's so much easier to type. Like Ron."

Butter Beer is dead people. Additionally, you can fight off Death Eaters by offering them a Happy Meal

Mention Platform 9 3/4 at King's Cross station and the kiddiewinks love it. But tell them about the magical place in the third cubicle down in the gents' toilets at Paddington, and you get an ASBO

The popular Nimbus 2000 broomstick has been grounded after it emerged that Nimbus falsified the diesel emissions test over a period of 20 years. The Firebolt has also lost its flight certification due to a poor safety record, leaving many wizards with no choice but to walk

Noted dickheads the Weasley Twins think Dapper Laughs is "a ledge"

Dumbledore once magicked a Hufflepuff inside out "for shits and giggles" one night in a drunken bet with Professor McGongall. They never speak of it.

SPOILER! Everybody knows that He Who Cannot Be Named used the anagram "Tom Marvolo Riddle" to disguise his true identity of "I am Lord Voldemort". However, an original name for the character was Uesless Tawt, for which there are no known anagrams

Owls are actually really shit at delivering post, especially if you run a mail order small rodent business, as noted dickheads the Weasley Twins found out to their cost

A defeated Draco Malfoy gave up magic altogether, and is now personally in charge of all UK Job Centres. Noted dickheads the Weasley Twins are his assistants

Despite his heroics that sprang from his years at Hogwarts (still a 'failing' school in its latest OFSTED report due to all the hideously twisted and painful deaths in Dark Arts classes) Harry still says his greatest feat was being winked at by a naked lady in one of the paintings in the staff lounge
In the Harry Potter universe, salt and vinegar crisps come in a yellow packet, which is a blasphemy unto all right-thinking people

Let's hear it for Harry Potter!

Thursday, October 01, 2015

Hazel at 21

Me first-born is 21-years-old today, and - contrary to what you might think - it's not my style to put up embarrassing photos of the former Scaryduckling as a toddler.

So here's one of her as a grown-up.

She's currently going up and down skyscrapers in New York (a parental birthday present), so I can get away with not sending a card for a couple of days. Despite my parental input, she's turned into an intelligent and caring young person, and I'm terribly proud of her. In fact, the same goes for Adam as well.

Happy birthday, young lady.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

The stupidest YouTube video I have ever seen, and by God I've seen a few

The Huffington Post prods me towards this video, in which a self-styled Malawian 'prophet' proves he has the God-given ability to walk on air.

Let's see how well his claim stands up, shall we?


Because nobody's hiding behind the sofa, nor did anybody sneak in through the double doors which are suspiciously ajar at the end of the sequence. That's just the holy spirit hurrying off to perform his next miracle.

Of course, there's one thing these men of God need to learn: HOLD THE CAMERA IN LANDSCAPE, for the love of ...err... God.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Some pictures from a Florence + The Machine Concert

I went to a Florence + The Machine concert last week, and it was all rather enjoyable. In fact, that's such a solid quote, you can have that as a call-out quote on your next long-player, Flo.

"All rather enjoyable" --- The internet's Alistair Coleman

I took some pictures. They're on iPhone, so your mileage may vary. We start with the most important piece of kit at any concert:

The sound man has a kettle. I repeat: The sound man used a kettle to make himself a nice cup of tea.
She's in there, honest.
Fuck this person in particular
"They haven't aged a day. Einstein was right." ... "Einstein was probably one of them"
New York, London, Paris, Munich // Everybody talk about...
OK, I was miles back
Meanwhile, my daughter Hazel was at the very front and got this photo. This is what happens when you get to a gig six hours before the doors open.

Ooh, pretty
The messy aftermath. Also, I've found Wally
Pop music, eh? That was the third best gig I've ever been to. Up your game, Florence.

[Outisde, I was offered hooky merchandise, a prostitute and balloons of nitrous oxide within twenty yards of leaving the venue. London is aces. Weird and aces.]

Friday, September 25, 2015

The Perfect Lunch Box and A Mailshot to the Heart

To the Science Museum in London, where among the trains, boats, planes and spaceships comes this - the perfect lunchbox.

I think you will agree that this is SCIENCE at the cutting edge of human knowledge. Lunch comes out, poo goes in, poo gets taken home to generate electricity to cook tomorrow's lunch. Just be careful to eat out of the right side of the lunchbox, that's all.

Then home to find this hideous mailshot to my heart waiting for me on the doormat.

"Plan for your retirement NOW!" it implores me, urging me to visit their newly-built facility in Fleet town centre. I am forty-something years old, the cheeky bastard.

But - what-ho! - what is this on the front?

Aside from the silver-haired temptress on the front cover of their glossy brochure (they really do know their way to a man's groin heart) comes the promise of a £10 M&S voucher just for turning up.

Ten pounds from M&S is nothing to be sneezed at - that's nearly two pairs of socks these days, or slightly over one pair of pants. Exactly what the new boy in Fleet's finest retirement complex should be wearing while schmoozing round the day room, and I immediately resolve: "Yep, I'm having some of that".

I bet there's a catch.

"M&S voucher offer open to over-60s only."


Friday, September 18, 2015

Root Beer: A Warning From History

Just say "NO", kids
For years - and I really do mean years - my son has expressed a desire to try out root beer. I suppose it's the name - it sounds "cool" and it has the word "beer" in it and it's a part of American culture that just hasn't taken root over here, pun not intended.

He's now 19, and when I saw it on the international shelf in Tesco last week, I parted with far too much money to buy a bottle, direct from the bottom of a swamp somewhere in the continental USA.

So, on a recent dad-and-son evening, we slapped on a film [Interstellar. SPOILER: It's very very long, mainly because you're watching from outside of the black hole], and popped the cap on the bottle and tried root beer for the first time.

SPOILER: Don't bother waiting over ten years to try root beer. Buy a bottle of Listerine, put it through and sodastream, then drink. Then enjoy the rest of the day with minty-fresh breath, knowing that you've experienced the worst that it can actually get.

America, you're a disgrace. Root beer? Shit beer, more like.

Today's task: Soaking cardboard in toilet water and comparing the results in a direct taste test with Hershey Bars. We fully expect the cardboard to be the winner.

UPDATE: "I actually kind of liked it," says Adam. Gulp.