Friday, February 14, 2020

On tonsillitis and begging for the sweet release of death

Today marks the final day of my 53rd year on this planet, and - to be perfectly frank - things could have gone better.

I've gone virtually the whole of 2020 suffering from colds, flu, man flu, actual tonsillitis, and now what can only be described as Jamie Oliver Syndrome, whereby one's tongue has grown far too large for the rest of my face.

Yes, the world has more important things to worry about - for eg Wuhan coronavirus - but Jamie Oliver Syndrome is happening to me, personally, now and that means I'm damn well going to whine about it right here right now.

I'm not entirely sure what's caused this bout of illness. But the pattern is clear - it only flares up when I wear my new and entirely cursed hat (below), made out of real witch.


That is, of course, what it known as a "lie". I do not own a hat which is in any way cursed. The true explanation for my misery is self-inflicted: I am a middle-aged slightly diabetic chap who weighs slightly too much who is finding that his 53rd time around the sun has been a tad slower than the previous 52.

Also, life is full of disappointments. In my case, it's the disappointment at waking up every morning with Jamie Oliver Tongue, but not Jamie Oliver Bank Balance, which - frankly - sucks. And blows.

Anyway, just so you know, here is a list of things which are of no help at all when you are dying of tonsillitis:


  • Wishing for the sweet release of death
  • Punching yourself repeatedly in the throat
  • Knitting needle through your eardrum
  • Complaining that when you have tonsillitis as an adult you do not get ice cream and presents like your brother got when he got tonsillitis as a child
  • Being bitter that your brother got ice cream and presents
  • Wishing for the sweet release of death
  • Speaking
  • Breathing
  • Anything at all
  • Wishing for the sweet release of death
  • Posting a photo titled "Dramatic Dmitry" on your social media in the hope of getting at least a single ounce of sympathy




  • Wishing for the sweet release of death

Did I mention it was my birthday tomorrow? *cough* Amazon Wish List *cough*

In summary: