Declaration of interest: The Art Club are managed by my niece Charlotte, who knows a thing or three about music.
Although, young man, you are wearing a shirt with the top button done up, but you have no intention of wearing a tie.
"Hi! I see you've just moved in. I expect the estate agent told you about the place.""Hello... yes ... what? What about it?""Ah. Right. Err... nothing. But I suppose they re-decorated and everything since. Must have taken ages to get the stains out. Not to mention the stench.""I have no idea what you're talking about.""And at least the Old Bill dug over the garden for you. Bet that came as a bit of a bonus.""What the Devil are you saying?""Yes, I understand they were Satanists. Nasty business all round - you'll be getting a priest in, just in case? Very brave of you to buy the place. We'll be thinking of you next full moon."
ENTREPRENEURS! Set up a flower business near to the scene of a recent fatal traffic accident. Business will boom.
BUDDING ARTISTS! Can you draw poor quality and slightly frightening versions of children's TV characters? They need a mural painter at the local hospital
PRACTICAL JOKERS! Swap tubes of chilli paste with the Canestan at local supermarkets, then go home and wank furiously
Congratulations on marketing the best ever thing in the world: Tinned Cream of Tomato Soup. Your Cream of Tomato Soup is indeed the soup of champions, and my kitchen cupboard is rarely without a tin.
However, I should draw your attention to your new "Squeeze and Serve" Cream of Tomato soup, which I purchased in the hope that it retains the sheer excellence of your tinned version, but without the extra expense and planetary destruction of tins.
How wrong I was.
Soup in a tube. What were you thinking?
Squeeze and Serve Cream of Tomato Soup manages to entirely lose the tinny tang that you get with the version out of a can. It is a mere shadow of the original, sitting lamely in my mug, no better than inferior efforts from thoses curs at Kn*rr and C*mb*lls of whom we never speak.
In bringing Cream of Tomato Soup down to tube-size, you have managed to extract the very innate Soupiness that made it great. Call it magic. Call it pixie dust. Call it the body of a dozy tomato picker who succumbed to the rotating blades of the tomato processing machinery, we shall never know. But it is missing from Squeeze and Serve.
In fact, I would go as far as saying that while Tinned Cream of Tomato Soup is The God Of Soups, Squeeze and Serve is nothing more than a HERESY and should be treated accordingly. For eg: KILLED with FIRE.
Please tell me that this product was a dreadful experiment that got out of hand, and those involved have been flogged around the company as per His Majesty's Articles of War.
Let's not fall out over this. I love you. We can make it up.