So, here's what you get for 50p these days.
Ed Stewart - Out of the Stewpot: My Autobiography
Obviously, if you're writing an autobiography, you're going to need an opening line that catches the reader's attention. And how.
Nazis! And who's going to fight the Nazis? Why, it's WWII fighter ace Sir Douglas Bader! Ed and Douglas didn't get on.
Ed on his school days
Ed goes to Hong Kong
How did you get there, Ed?
Ed on Rolf Harris
Ed gets sucked off by an elderly Hong Kong prostitute
Ed passes through Germany
Ed's pirate radio days
And there's always a bit of time for some casual homophobia
Ed joins the BBC
Ed gets a) lots of TV work and b) lots and lots of sex
Ed meets his future wife
Ed manages a whole two pages about Crackerjack and is bitter at getting the sack
Ouch. That's gotta hurt.
The work dries up for Ed, so he swallows his pride
The most popular karaoke bar in the Cobham area of Surrey. Quite a boast.
Back in favour, Ed gets a foreign jolly in Norway, but he can't help being a dick
Well played, Ed. Well played.
Ed goes full Alan Partridge
You never go full Alan Partridge
Ed follows in some illustrious footsteps
Whoops. But to be fair, Ed did his fair crack for charity, and absolutely didn't like to talk about it.
Oh, who am I kidding? There's 35 pages of name-dropping on all sorts of charity football, cricket and golf events. And it's not like mild-mannered Ed Stewart to be a sexist rotter about the noble game of golf.
This is as funny as the book gets.
Ed manages to flip from his brother's untimely death to doing panto in Weymouth to appearing on the Weakest Link all in one paragraph
Writing skills that the likes of Shakespeare, Rowling and the great Jeffrey Archer himself would have killed for.
And amid the ten pages he devotes to the Weakest Link (as opposed to a whole two pages on his Crackerjack career), he manages to go full Partridge again.
You never go full Partridge.
And suddenly, Ed discovers that golf can be a cruel, cruel mistress
Bizarrely, Ed continues to live under the same roof as the lovers as the cuckolded ex-husband. After all, it would be madness to sack your golf teacher just because he's been banging your wife. But is he happy?
Rebound granny sex. He's happy.
And that's your lot. In the words of Ronnie Barker in the final scenes of the Porridge movie: "Our ordeal is over". While his days in Hong Kong and on the pirate radio ships was somewhat interesting, the rest is self-indulgent tat with no filter. Just like me, then.
If you're still interested, you may buy this work in good bookshops. And quite a lot of shit ones, too.