Monday, March 07, 2016

Ed Stewart - Out of the Stewpot: My Autobiography

Long-time readers will know that I am a sucker for terrible celebrity autobiographies, and I have finally caught up with the work recently deceased Radio 1 DJ Ed Stewart. And after a few weeks to digest this book slowly, I'd say this runs Don Estelle close for the title of greatest.

So, here's what you get for 50p these days.

Ed Stewart - Out of the Stewpot: My Autobiography

Obviously, if you're writing an autobiography, you're going to need an opening line that catches the reader's attention. And how.

Nazis! And who's going to fight the Nazis? Why, it's WWII fighter ace Sir Douglas Bader! Ed and Douglas didn't get on.

So, his first "Needless to say, I had the last laugh" celebrity anecdote is how he insulted one of our greatest war heroes for having no legs. Classy.

Ed on his school days
He saw boys' willies. And I have no idea about "Ten seconds of purgatory", but it clearly left its mark.

Ed goes to Hong Kong

How did you get there, Ed? 

Say again?
Sorry, you're not making yourself clear.
Totally addicted to bass, and I'd see a doctor about that if I were you.

Ed on Rolf Harris

And what did you think of him?
Speaking of institutions, he's in one now.

Ed gets sucked off by an elderly Hong Kong prostitute

Going to prove that there is such a thing as too much information.

Ed passes through Germany

 The sole reason for his trip appears to be so he could drop this gag.

Ed's pirate radio days

And there's always a bit of time for some casual homophobia

"Tony" here is Tony Blackburn.Oh, how we laughed. But it's not just homophobia. There's sexism, too.

 Ed joins the BBC

Yeah, there's probably a reason J***y S*v*l* didn't do his picking-up girls in public, now you come to mention it.

Ed gets a) lots of TV work and b) lots and lots of sex

Charmingly, he calls it "squiring" the girls.

Ed meets his future wife

In 1970, Ed Stewart was 29. Still, there's nothing creepy about an age gap if you're sensitive about it, is there?


Ed manages a whole two pages about Crackerjack and is bitter at getting the sack

Ouch. That's gotta hurt.

The work dries up for Ed, so he swallows his pride

The most popular karaoke bar in the Cobham area of Surrey. Quite a boast.

Back in favour, Ed gets a foreign jolly in Norway, but he can't help being a dick

Well played, Ed. Well played.

Ed goes full Alan Partridge

You never go full Alan Partridge

Ed follows in some illustrious footsteps

Whoops. But to be fair, Ed did his fair crack for charity, and absolutely didn't like to talk about it.

Oh, who am I kidding? There's 35 pages of name-dropping on all sorts of charity football, cricket and golf events. And it's not like mild-mannered Ed Stewart to be a sexist rotter about the noble game of golf.

This is as funny as the book gets.

Ed manages to flip from his brother's untimely death to doing panto in Weymouth to appearing on the Weakest Link all in one paragraph

Writing skills that the likes of Shakespeare, Rowling and the great Jeffrey Archer himself would have killed for.

And amid the ten pages he devotes to the Weakest Link (as opposed to a whole two pages on his Crackerjack career), he manages to go full Partridge again.

You never go full Partridge.

And suddenly, Ed discovers that golf can be a cruel, cruel mistress

Bizarrely, Ed continues to live under the same roof as the lovers as the cuckolded ex-husband. After all, it would be madness to sack your golf teacher just because he's been banging your wife. But is he happy?

Rebound granny sex. He's happy.

And that's your lot. In the words of Ronnie Barker in the final scenes of the Porridge movie: "Our ordeal is over". While his days in Hong Kong and on the pirate radio ships was somewhat interesting, the rest is self-indulgent tat with no filter. Just like me, then.

If you're still interested, you may buy this work in good bookshops. And quite a lot of shit ones, too.


Gonzoland said...

It looks like you've bought an ex-public library book - The polythene sheen is noticeable. Did many people borrow it?
I've recently obtained a copy of 'Sheepshagger' by Niall Griffiths (£2.81 including postage and packaging) which was the property of Onondaga Public Library, NY. No one borrowed it whilst it was on the shelves of The Galleries of Syracuse. Maybe it's the puritanical element that deters Americans from reading book with racy or rude titles. Robert Harris' book 'Lustrum' had to be re-titled before it started to sell reasonably well in the USA.
Anyway, Scary, my point to you is - Stop reading these 'Existence Is Futile' books and get some earthy stuff.

Alistair Coleman said...

After get shat about with on Amazon Marketplace, I stumped 50p for Hampshire Libraries to fish it out of the County Store. It's not the kind of book I'm keen on keeping to be honest.

Alistair Coleman said...

It had loads of borrows, but looks like it was archived in 2008.

TRT said...


You're a braver man than I, Mr Duck, to continue reading after that man-san anecdote.

Mr Larrington said...



Mr Larrington said...

Jimmy? Ewwwwww!

Chaz said...

Dear God. Funny, we always knew those 80s TV personalities were evil, but this is beyond imagination. Is he dead yet?

Anonymous said...

Despite being born in Devon, he was both a Chelsea and an Everton football fan. I think he went off Chelsea when standing on the terraces in one of those 1970s Afghan coats and someone behind him set fire to it.

Later on as an Everton fan, he ran alongside the team coach cheering and waving as it pulled away from the stadium after an important match, and neglected to see a lamppost along the road... which he promptly ran straight into, knocking himself out much to the delight of the Everton players and staff, who I think were pretty embarrassed to have such shit celebrity fans (cf Freddie Starr and Bill Kenwright... the latter of whom shut them all up by buying the joint).

Debster said...

Where can we obtain copies of this tome? Would make the perfect Xmas gift for my sister who is an English lit graduate ...

Alistair Coleman said...

Debster: Your best bet is second hand on Amazon, but prices are a bit high at the moment on account of him dying. Try the library.