Sunday, March 17, 2002

SpamSpamSpamSpam: Isn't spam brilliant? Not the tinned meat stuff that comes from square, pink animals (ever wondered why your office helpdesk gets through so many staff?), I mean junk e-mail. And I get *tons* of it.

I've got an e-mail account that gets nothing but spam. I can get up to 100 invitations a day to "INCREESE YOUR PEENIS SIZE" or "SEE BRITTNEY BUTT NAKID", and I dip in and out (as it were) whenever I need a bit of a laugh.

For example: "INCREESE YOUR EJACULATION BY 581%". Point one - note the rubbish spelling and rampant use of caps lock. This is a) grabbing your attention and b) stupidity at work. Point two - who the hell came up with 581% ?!?!?! Did they get someone in with a tape measure? And naturally, point three, how much will it cost me to get (if I'm really lucky) a jar of pills made out of shepp's poo that'll keep me up all night farting.

And that's the beauty of the internet. Only two things make money. Ripping other people off, and porn. Or both. When His Holiness logs onto he has to wade through "DIRTY ASS BITCH NUNNS DOING IT FOR YOU!!!" before he gets to anything useful. On the other hand, I've always wondered why he always looks knackered out these days.

But the spam mails I really look forward to getting are the Nigerian 419 scams. They're fantastic, and appeal to the one base instinct that the internet runs on - pure unadulterated greed. If you've never received one, you obviously haven't tried hard enough. You get an unsolicited e-mil claiming to be from someone in a position of power in Nigeria or Sierra Leone. They've come across/stolen/embezzled millions of dollars and need it get it out of the country quick, and can we use your bank account please? If you're stupid enough to be lured by the promise of 25%, they set up a series of meetings to gain your confidence.

Then they start robbing you blind. There's taxes, charges, unexpected fees. And they've probably got your bank details by now. Oh dear, you've paid thousands up front, there's no sign of your 15 million dollars and those nice Nigerian men have strangely disappeared. Welcome to Scamsville, population: you. I got one from the Nigerian President's wife. No, it really was her. Honest.

Public Serivce bit: if you do get one of these mails, and you want to do something about it, contact your local Law Enforcement Agency in the US or in the UK. Remember kids, Just Say No.

Back to Scaryduck

No comments: