So, I'm doing this lecture tour.
Not much of a tour, to be honest. More of a trip around pubs in the south and west of England talking to Skeptics' groups about what's going on in North Korea.
[Executive summary: I don't know, but here's a video of a Korean pop band doing the theme from Rocky]
I'm enjoying it. I like doing the talks, and I love the question-and-answer sessions in the second half, and even my canine accomplice (renamed Kim Jong Bone for the duration) seems to enjoy going to strange towns and crapping on their local landmarks. Sorry about your Roman Baths, Bath. Most of it came off.
But the thing that totally destroys me is the driving. It's only a three-night tour, but Portsmouth and back, followed by Bath and back, followed by Bristol and back – it's killing me.
What amazes me is that there are whole armies of people like me – lecturers, speakers, actors, musicians, stand-up comedians – doing much the same, diving length and breadth of the country to entertain audiences of various sizes.
After this mini-tour, I'm just about ready to bump off the next driver that overtakes me in the rain on the M4 motorway, pulling in too soon and giving me the benefit of a wall of spray. I will round up and lock into a room without any electricity all the kids running amok at Membury Services.
But most of all, if it wasn't already part of my phone, I would stamp on my SatNav, set fire to the remains and feed whatever's left over to a gibbon.
Satellite Navigation, I find, is all well and good on the open road. But stick it in a city centre on a rainy night in January and you will curse the day you ever downloaded the AllFreeShiteNav from the Apps Store.
Take Bath. I saw enough of it last week to write a reasonably good tourist guide. The SatNav took me town the same street twice, and past the Abbey three times in a failed attempt to get out of town. Having said that – and despite my "all well and good on the open road" comment, it also tried to take me 80 miles home via back roads, so I obviously have a Tool Of Satan in my car.
As I finally made it down the M4 in a wall of rain, I wondered: "Surely there must be a better way? Surely there must be some way of beaming entertainment into people's homes so they can see interesting stuff on a screen in their living rooms?"
Then I realised it'll never catch on.
The last night of the Alistair Coleman North Korea lecture tour is at Smoke and Mirrors in Bristol, Wednesday 22 January. 7.30pm start, free admission