Tuesday, January 21, 2014

On preparing for the very worst

Basingstoke, earlier today

Important news from the world of local government! It appears that the small village of Overton (just to the west of the seething metropolis of Basingstoke) is preparing an emergency plan in case the very worst should strike the community.

Happily, I am in a position to affect the outcome of this conversation, as my mother-in-law is currently on the village council and was – for a glorious year – mayor of the aforesaid seething metropolis and much respected in the field of civic governance and the like. Also, the trains ran on time.

So, what can I offer to a small Hampshire village should the very civilisation we live in collapse around our ears? Recent events (for eg flooding, God's wrath) have shown that our society is just a fa├žade that could tumble down at any minute, and should the dead rise from the grave, somebody's got to be in the front line.

That's right: Zombies. If Overton Parish Council is to have an emergency plan, it's got to be one that deals with tens of thousands of undead lurching down the road from Basingstoke in search of fresh victims in the surrounding villages.

I've read a book on two on this, and I've also lived in Dorset, so I consider myself an expert. I'll be advising the good people of Overton to get in a good supply of sharpened entrenching tools (Zombies, for the decapitating of), target rifles (Zombies, for the blowing the brains out of), and gallons of fine single-malt whisky (Because if you get infected, drunk zombies are funny). And if it all goes wrong, leave an escape route that takes us out the back roads to Watership Down, and we can all pretend to be rabbits until it all blows over.

If we play this right, Overton will be a beacon of civilisation amid the chaos of the coming Great Zombie War. You – Overton Parish Council – will be seen as gold-plated heroes by literally several hundred registered voters.

Now, let's talk about the Gozer the Gozerian threat to North Hampshire. Got a plan for that?


Robin of Locksley said...

Just make sure that there's nowhere to conduct gay marriages within the parish. This should prevent both flooding and the incursion of zombie wrath. Sorted.

Phil Parker said...

Nice to see the civic improvements in Basingstoke are making a positive difference. Looks much better than when I was last there.

Zimmer said...

Plan to send in the Salvation Army - as per the Battle of Church Square, 1880.

(Was mentioned last night on BBC2 !)


Zimmer said...

...well, the Salvationists were sent in in 1880.... but it took until Sept 1881 for the beer-drinkers to rout them in Church Square...