Before we get any complaints about this month's all-seeing look into your (admittedly grim) futures being a bunch of made-up cack; I'd like to point out that this month's charts were based on actual horoscopes swiped from a genuine "celebrity" astrologer somewhere on the internet, who'd quite like you to sign up for his premium service. Just think about that as your wanking arm falls off, Virgos.
Aries: Friends will be amazed at the power that’s coursing through your body this month. That’ll teach you to plug your clockwork cucumber into the mains socket.
Lucky Dr Who villain: Davros
Taurus: Fire rages in your heart, dear Tauran, as you battle to express your love for somebody dear to you. Don’t let it get out of control, as spontaneous human combustion is rather more common than you’d think.
Lucky Harry Enfield Character: Stavros
Gemini: Go for gold, dear Gemini, today marks the first day of the rest of your life. It’s also the last day of the rest of your life, so enjoy it while you can. Who’d have thought Cindy Crawford would turn out to be such a homocidal maniac?
Lucky Greek Island: Lesbos
Cancer: Ignore all those bad things people around you are saying. It’s only a minor skin condition and it won’t be long before you’re the life and soul of the party. Only joking. It’s Ebola again.
Lucky mythological character: King Minos
Leo: A great month for you to get up on stage and dance, dance, dance! And we thought they’d put an end to public hangings.
Lucky fashion model: Kate Moss
Virgo: It’s a great time to add that extra spark to your life. Playting golf in a thunderstorm, however, is considered a bit of a no-no. On the bright side, your next-of-kin will be spared the expense of a cremation.
Lucky thing to do in the bathroom: Floss
Libra: Your emotions are coming to a climax this month, dear Libran. Be careful who you lash out at, we understand that Mike Tyson’s just made bail, and he’s ANGRY.
Lucky boy band: Bros
Scorpio: July is the month where you feel the urge to go to extremes. Don’t worry, we’ve got a couple of barn doors ready for when that bungee rope snaps.
Lucky medal: Victoria Cross
Sagittarius: Now’s the time to be inventive and not to worry about the consequences of your actions. Damn good thing too - the police may call it murder, but hey, you’re just thining out the gene pool.
Lucky aftershave: Hugo Boss
Capricorn: With the moon in Uranus, you’ll find emotional situations difficult to deal with. Just do as the police say and no-one will get hurt.
Lucky Greek football team: Olimpiakos
Aquarius: The planets come into alignment this month, allowing your talents, style and unique voice to be heard on the world stage, just as Mark Chapman makes parole.
Lucky Sport: Lacrosse
Pisces: You wake up to find that it’s all been a beautiful, beautful dream where your riches, love life and wit are second to none, and the world falls at your feet. Now, get a crack on, or you’ll miss your appointment at the dole office.
Lucky Greek Island: Lesbos
If it’s your birthday: Congratulations! The sun is back in Cancer, exactly where it belongs to bring you a fruitful and happy life. Get out and enjoy the sights, sounds and smells of the world about you, as if everyday could be your last. Let’s just say your chart’s rather on the *short* side. Can we have your presents?
The Scaryduck Alan Smithee Memorial Bad Movie Poll is now closed. Results and grand finale Tuesday.
"Quack Quack, baby!"
From Manic: Duck Hunting Girls. Hot young ladies looking for a duck to fill that empty space in their lives. With guns. Argh!