I recently exercised my right as a law-abiding citizen and entered the world of local politics by attending a PACT meeting in Weymouth - the local plod's attempt to bring crime-fighting to communities.
I'm all for crime-fighting and I am giving some serious consideration to getting my own costume and sidekick (Lobsterman and Crab Boy, their powers being the result of a radioactive fish supper), so I trolled along to see if my ideas regarding crime and punishment tie up with those in so-called authority.
"What about people crapping in hedges?" I ask, as we move onto item 17 of the agenda: "People crapping in hedges near Lobsterman's secret lair"
"What about them?" the chairman responds, eyes rolling toward the ceiling.
"Law-abiding citizens cannot move for perps crapping in hedges," I reply, "It is not a victimless crime."
"And tell me," he said, turning the onus on myself and Crab Boy, the cunning devil, "What do you think we should be doing with these so-called criminals?"
"Simple: Tie 'em to a post at low tide and leave 'em for the crabs."
"And what," I ask, drawing myself up to my full height despite the costume chaffing the private areas somewhat, "What is wrong with crab justice?"
"It's the same punishment you recommend for fly-tipping, speeding drivers, vagrants, overdue library books and old men in socks and sandals."
He fixed me with a gimlet stare and gave me both barrels: "We really don't think your plans are realistic - no court in the land will allow rows of naked, crab-eaten corpses at low water mark, not now, not ever. And it'd kill the tourist trade.
"And another thing: Get out."
Stupid pencil-necked desk pilots. What do they know about modern crime-fighting?