Friday, February 14, 2020

On tonsillitis and begging for the sweet release of death

Today marks the final day of my 53rd year on this planet, and - to be perfectly frank - things could have gone better.

I've gone virtually the whole of 2020 suffering from colds, flu, man flu, actual tonsillitis, and now what can only be described as Jamie Oliver Syndrome, whereby one's tongue has grown far too large for the rest of my face.

Yes, the world has more important things to worry about - for eg Wuhan coronavirus - but Jamie Oliver Syndrome is happening to me, personally, now and that means I'm damn well going to whine about it right here right now.

I'm not entirely sure what's caused this bout of illness. But the pattern is clear - it only flares up when I wear my new and entirely cursed hat (below), made out of real witch.

That is, of course, what it known as a "lie". I do not own a hat which is in any way cursed. The true explanation for my misery is self-inflicted: I am a middle-aged slightly diabetic chap who weighs slightly too much who is finding that his 53rd time around the sun has been a tad slower than the previous 52.

Also, life is full of disappointments. In my case, it's the disappointment at waking up every morning with Jamie Oliver Tongue, but not Jamie Oliver Bank Balance, which - frankly - sucks. And blows.

Anyway, just so you know, here is a list of things which are of no help at all when you are dying of tonsillitis:

  • Wishing for the sweet release of death
  • Punching yourself repeatedly in the throat
  • Knitting needle through your eardrum
  • Complaining that when you have tonsillitis as an adult you do not get ice cream and presents like your brother got when he got tonsillitis as a child
  • Being bitter that your brother got ice cream and presents
  • Wishing for the sweet release of death
  • Speaking
  • Breathing
  • Anything at all
  • Wishing for the sweet release of death
  • Posting a photo titled "Dramatic Dmitry" on your social media in the hope of getting at least a single ounce of sympathy

  • Wishing for the sweet release of death

Did I mention it was my birthday tomorrow? *cough* Amazon Wish List *cough*

In summary:

Wednesday, February 01, 2017

Donald Trump FACTS!

"Fffff.... fffff.... fffff..."
He's the leader of the free world, keen golfer and host of popular TV show The Apprentice. But DID YOU KNOW...?

- Obama told Trump that bins night was Tuesday, when it's actually Thursday. Donald put the bins out two days early and was fined $100.

- Donald's favourite Indiana Jones film is Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. He also thought A Good Day To Die Hard was a "great movie, one of the best".

- Donald will sign an executive order this week to figure out, exactly, if wrestling is fixed.

- Donald's favourite Strictly Come Dancing professional is Anton du Beke.

- Donald thinks that you sue people for "liable".

- Donald's favourite piece of music is Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries", which he calls the "Kill the Wabbit song".

- Donald has changed the nuclear launch codes to "password", because he knows nobody will think of that.

- Donald believes Louis Walsh when he tells one of his X Factor acts that they're better than The Beatles.

- Donald swears he didn't order those films from Virgin Media, it was his brother Ronald.

- Donald thinks it's still called Emmerdale Farm.

- Donald thinks the White House microwave is a television. He loves that programme about the bowl of nachos.

- Donald thinks it's "lack toast and tolerant". And "peddle stool".

- Donald has launched an urgent Congressional Enquiry into how Toadfish from Neighbours' wife could come back from the dead after all these years when we all saw her go over that cliff in the car.

- Donald's mobile phone ring tone is Crazy Frog.

- Donald calls Loughborough "Looga-barooga"

Let's hear it for Donald Trump!

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Lines on my local council not emptying my green bin yesterday

I return from blogging semi-retirement as my local newspaper has asked me to pen some lines on the occasion of Hart District Council neglecting to collect my Christmas tree from outside my home yesterday. As nothing else of importance has happened in the world recently, I was happy to oblige.



Dear the Fleet News and Mail,

As a local council tax payer who is also a paid-up member of the Hart Council green bin collection scheme, I was apoplectic with rage when they failed to collect my Christmas tree last week, despite promises to the contrary on council literature.

Rather than clog up your editorial pages with such important issues as municipal waste collection, I thought it would be more suitable to recount my tale of woe through the medium of verse.

After all, if it were good enough for the likes of Shakespeare, Keats and Tennyson to complain about their bins in this manner (Keats' "Lines on My Bin Going Unemptied For a Month" is a classic of the so-called Dustbin-Realist genre), then it's good enough for me.

Yours furiously

Alistair Coleman

Ode to Hart District Council and their shocking omission to collect our Christmas tree, even though we are fully paid-up members of their green collection scheme
By Alistair Coleman, Bard of Fleet, aged nearly 51

The local council bin men forgot my Christmas tree
Now it's sitting outside my house oh dearie dearie me
'What am I supposed to do now?' is something that I think
It could poke someone in the eye and blind a kiddiewink.

We even pay a council fee to have the extra bin
But what's the point, I wonder, if they ignore the tree within
I might just pull the blessed thing out and leave it on the grass
Or take it to the council office and shove it up their back stairs*.

January 20th 2017 will go down in infamy
Not because of Donald Trump, but because of my Christmas tree
All I can do is point and rage, it simply just won't do
And write these words in fury and send them in to you.

Now it's time to stand up and fight against this injustice
Who's with me to march and prove we really don't like this?
Gather your rakes and burning torches, I'll meet you all in town
I hope you've got legal knowledge because the cops will send us down.

*Sorry, couldn't think of a rhyme.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

London 2012: Four years later

Four years ago, we held the Olympic Games in London.

We welcomed to world to our country with open arms, and we genuinely feel like we were part of something huge. Something important. Something to make us proud about Britain's place in the world.

Now it's 2016, and look at the state of us. Hateful, selfish, insular, stupid, threatening to throw out the people we called our guests. I'm ashamed.

So, here are some of the photos I took at the time of the Games, the test events, the people and the Good Times.

Here's to the return of better days.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Well Fancy That! No.5

An occasional series explaining the origins of well-known words and phrases

No.5: "Master of the Rolls"

WHO is the Master of the Rolls, and what does he do?

In olden days, judges had to make their own meals, but it was found that instead of doing important judging, they would spend their mornings deciding what they were going to have for lunch.

This led to all sorts of judicial cock-ups, not least the infamous Bloody Assize, when Judge Jeffreys was so busy deciding between Starbucks or a Quarter-Pounder from Ye Golden Arches that he accidentally sent 347 men to the gallows, and they had to send out for more rope.

So what exactly, does the Master of the Rolls, Britain's top judicial post do? The answer to this question is a simple one: It is is a traditional post, handed down through the centuries to the most senior judge in the country, usually after a legal career lasting many years, without falling asleep on the job.

He has seen infamous suspects come and go, criminals, traitors, politicians and has handed down judgements in some of the most important cases in recent years, and it is now time for him to take it easy. The Master of the Rolls does one job and one job only - he is in charge of the lunch menu at the Old Bailey.

In Italian law, the equivalent post is Il Padrone di Panini; while in Germany he is Der Bratwurstmesiter. The same post in the United States Supreme Court is traditionally held by a man called Greasy Joe.

So now you know! Share this with your friends and see their jaws quite literally drop!!

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Well, Fancy That! No.4

An occasional series explaining the origins of well-known words and phrases.
No.4: "A stitch in time saves nine"

WHERE did the popular phrase "A stitch in time saves nine" come from, and what does it mean?

While it sounds like the kind of line that your grandmother might have used, the phrase only dates back to the mid-1980s and the rise of the television infomercial. 

"A stitch in time saves nine" was invented by an advertising agency to go with a "miracle" sewing device that can still be found at lower-quality car boot sales, and its meaning has been largely forgotten after a mysterious tax-efficient fire destroyed the factory.

Experts in the English language now agree that it's "just a load of wanky bollocks, and anybody who uses it immediately exposes themselves as being a bit UKIP".

So now you know! Impress your friends and family with this new-found knowledge!!

Monday, July 18, 2016

Well, Fancy That! No.3

An occasional series looking at the origin of well-known phrases or sayings.
No.3: "U OK hun?"

WHY do people on social media use the words "U OK hun?" to denote concern?
BECAUSE a similar phrase was already in use in the olden days and has simply lain dormant in our lexicography waiting for the right time to come back into fashion.

It actually comes from the last year of the First World War, when a British soldier accidentally discharged his weapon while accepting the surrender of a German soldier and shot him in the foot.

His exclamation "I'm terribly sorry, but are you alright, you swine of a Hun?" has since been shortened for the internet age and taken up with gusto.

So now you know! Next time somebody uses "U OK hun?" on social media you can impress them by showing them this page!!

Friday, July 15, 2016

Well, Fancy That! No.2

An occasional series explaining the origins of well-known words and phrases
No.2: "Four-minute egg"

WHERE do we get the phrase "Four minute egg"?

BECAUSE in olden times it was used not as a measure of cooking a the perfect boiled egg (because the egg cup was not invented until the late 1970s), but because of a ground-breaking experiment by then-Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University, Sir Isaac Newton. 

Through a series of extensive tests, Newton found that the optimum time to sit on the toilet without leaving a red seat-print on the buttocks was exactly four minutes. 

As the wearing of trousers was out of vogue at the time, this was all the more important for the gentlemen of Restoration England. 

As a result, the term "four-minute egg" to denote the "laying" of the same became fashionable.

So now you know! Share this article on Facebook to impress your friends and work colleagues!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Well, Fancy That!

The first in an occasional series explaining the origins of well-known words and phrases

No.1: Cabinet

WHY does the Prime Minister have a Cabinet?

BECAUSE in the olden days, Winston Churchill literally kept his ministers in stout wooden wardrobes to prevent them from getting damaged in the Blitz. 

He would literally hold "cabinet" meetings where everyone was wheeled in by strong porters to discuss the matters of the day, and then be wheeled back to an underground bunker when finished. 

If Mr Churchill decided that one of his "cabinet" ministers had passed their sell-by date, he would have them nailed shut and tipped into the Thames from Westminster Bridge.

So now you know! Share this post and impress your friends!!