Friday, August 30, 2002

"How to fit a cat flap to a shed in one easy lesson"

1. Don't.

Or... if your wife insists...

1. Approach shed gingerly with selection of power tools.
2. Tell cat to bugger off.
3. Cut impressive looking hole in side of shed with jigsaw.
4. Tell kids to bugger off.
5. Watch in horror as the cheap wood the shed is made out of starts falling to pieces as soon as you breathe near it.
6. Tell cat to bugger off.
7. Tell wife to bugger off.
8. Fit cat flap to what remains of the matchstick thin shed wall using a selection of nails, screws, No More Nails and more nails "just to make sure".
9. Watch cat flap fall off.
10. Tell neighbour, milkman, postman, passing bus driver and the Man from Del Monte to fucking fucking fucking bugger off.
11. Throw a hissy fit and kick hole in side of shed with size nine boots.
12. Tell wife that "everything's going fine, just making a few modifications."
13. Tell cat to bugger off.
14. Surreptitiously retire to workshop and knock out decent wall for shed out of scrap timber that looks passable and almost the same colour as the rest of the shed.
15. Fit to side of shed, neatly covering up the gaping chasm you left there.
16. Watch for three days as cat refuses to use cat flap.
17. Get a dog.


Good 5-2 victory over a pitiful West Brom in midweek, with a debut goal by the awesome Aliadiere, who looks like Le Boss has found another footballing genius for the side. Pleasing draw for Big Cup too, with trips to Borussia Dortmund, PSV Eindhoven and Auxerre. No trips into the back of beyond, which means the Godlike Dennis Bergkamp should make the journey. Yus. And we've finally got a new keeper. He's Swedish, he's Egyptian, no he's Swegyptian. Or something.

Oh and... Top of the League!

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