Let us examine the latest addition to the Pikey Index, your sure-fire measurement of all things pikey:
How many clip-on England flags do you have on your car?
0: Congratulations. You are not pikey. You may, however, be Scottish. Or Welsh.
1: "Help! My kids made me buy one at Asda." Slightly pikey.
2: "I've got Burberry socks, a fake tan and sunglasses modelled by David Beckham." Very pikey.
3 or more: "My other car is a white van. What the fack you starin' at?" Well done. You are King of the Chavs.
Just back from Cornwall, a thoroughly depressing experience of mad people and extreme right-wing politics which I shall discuss later. Falmouth is the only place I know where the town funeral director has a sideline selling gas barbecues. Just in case, like.