Down and Out: "Cup of tea, mate?"
Self: "Yeah - white with no sugar, thanks."
Down and Out: "Fugoffyousebastard."
Now, I'm not knocking my home town in any way here, but it is the last stop on the railway, and therefore attracts a certain class of drunkard. I have also seen enough socks and sandals and Burberry baseball caps to last me a lifetime.
Living where I do, I get the benefit of something you puny mortals do no - Summer Season. And what a line-up the Weymouth Pavaillion has for us this year.
Bastard Jim Fucking Davidson
Joe "Used to be on the telly" Pasquale
Heartbeat "Featuring NONE of the original cast!"
The Barron Knights, who I thought were dead.
The Black and White Minstrels (two of them, aged ninety, and whiter than the Tina Turner tribute band that is also appearing)
Rik "Pie Rentention" Waller. He's not fat, he's big-boned. He's got the biggest bones on the planet. Structural engineers are already hard at work to ensure that the Pavillion Theatre doesn't slip into the sea as Rik and his Ginsters Posse hit the stage.
On the plus side, they've just opened the Pirate Crazy Golf Course, just next door to the Sea Life Park. Yaaaaaaarrrr!!
I'd never make it as a Jedi Knight. All that time rejecting the Dark Side, dressing up in what appears to be Matalan cast-offs and sitting around in meditation. Bollocks to that, it'd drive me up the wall.
Sure, you get a light sabre, but hey, don't come running to me when you get shot in the back with a blaster. And such are the cutbacks at Jedi HQ, you've got to make the "Thruuuzzzzmmmm" noises yourself these days. The pay's crap and the hours suck. Join the dark side.
You get the girls. You get a fancy black mask and the kind of outfit bad guys would - and frequently do - kill each other for. You get to call yourself Darth Bastard and get a damn impressive space ship to cruise around Tatooine looking for talent. And let's face it, you get a better class of Jedi Mind Trick. What would you rather be saying: "These aren't the droids you're looking for" or "Come on darlin' show us your norks"? No contest.
Darth Vader gets all the girls, which is why he's always out of breath. 100% of FACT!
Dark Side, here I come!
That was a party political broadcast on behalf of the UK Independence Party
According to my referrer logs, I am the number two search result on google for "Why is van nistelrooy such an obnoxious bastard?" No fair - I want to be the number one horse-face hater in the known universe.
And the answer to the question is, of course: "Because he is, just live with it."