I once saw Jimmy Hill's cock. And hardly any money changed hands, at all.
It was back in the olden days when Fulham FC was a proper under-achieving football club, owned by Mr Chinny Reckon himself. Long before the Phony Pharoah turned up. Fulham were real crap in those days and proud of it. My colleague John was a season ticket holder there.
"I like to be alone on Saturdays", he would tell us mournfully.
Up in the smoke on a Saturday afternoon and with very little to do, I decided to go and take a look at my old house in Hammersmith (horribly yuppified) and take a gander at Bishop's Park to see if any priests were getting impaled like the one in The Omen (dozens). Football match? Why not, after all Fulham were playing at home, so I followed was passed for a crowd those days to an almost deserted Craven Cottage.*
Slipping through the turnstile and into the posh seats, I had a sudden urge for a pre-match tinkle. Most people have a drink, a shonky meat pie and a bet on the first scorer. I've got to go and spray my shoes.
So, there I was in the gents and found myself standing at the urinal right next to Mr Hill, who was spraying the wall in a vigourous manner, and ever the competitive type, hoping to get the highest mark on the wall.**
Well, under these extreme circumstances, you've got to look, haven't you? So I did. Surrupticiously, like, and in no way implying that I like to look at mens' hamptons in public conveniences.
Let's put it this way - it's nowhere as big as the chin.
* Fulham FC are known as "The Cottagers" because theit reckless habit of cruising public toilets for gay sex. 100 per cent of FACT!
** Celebrities are notoriously competitive. A recent "highest mark on the wall" compeititon during London Fashion Week resulted in an unexpected victory for supermodel Kate Moss, before her first place was taken from her following the scandal of a failed drug test. The scandal being that she hadn't taken any.