Help ma Boab! It's the Thursday vote-o!

Help ma Boab! It's the Thursday vote-o!

Today's entirely sex-ed up quotes are brought to you by the letter "E" and the number "69".

* Duke of Kent: He examined the package carefully. On one side were the words "If undelivered, please return to PO Box 27, Melton Mowbray. Contents: pornography." Honestly, his parents went out of their way to embarrass him.

* Octopus: Portia gulped. Despite the years of therapy, she had never quite got over her national humiliation at the hands of John Leslie. And now this. They wanted her Blue Peter badge back.

* Diet Club: His entry into the People's Republic had taken six hours as the customs officials insisted that they thoroughly search every piece of his luggage. The Ambassador smirked. He had sent his butt plug in the diplomatic bag.

* Yvette: "Je t'aime! J t'aime!" Judy moaned at the height of her passion, and there was no stopping her. All Richard could think of was the trouble he'd be in if the advert break finished early.

* Elton: "Actually, no, I'm Canadian," he said to the taxi driver, knowing the trouble an American accent could get you into when travelling abroad. Bill Clinton managed a little smile to himself, and wondered what Monica was doing these days.

Vote me left! Vote me right! Vote me sideways!

Americans!: You get your chance to vote for real next week. My simple advice to you is this - Don't fuck it up this time.

Spoonerism woe

My boss, one of the finest men ever to walk this Earth*, recently briefed a room full of senior managers and high-ranking visitors about the media situation in the Israeli Occupied Territories. Unfortunately he managed to managed to mention the "Best Wank" on three separate occasions. Something to do with improving our working practices, I gather.

He was blissfully unaware of his faux pas until confronted, later, in the canteen and asked if he had the hots for Yasser Arafat. I mean, I certainly would, if paid enough.

*And I'm not just saying that in a shameless attempt to curry favour. Oh no - I'm only interested in the money.