Man marries horse, film at eleven
Breaking News: "Prince Charles's wedding postponed until Saturday, Queen's 'washing my hair' excuse in disarray." I expect she'll be attending Ian Paisley's Papal Memorial Jumble Sale instead.
And just think of that poor bastard who owns the Windsor Castle gift shop, applying a tiny drop of tipp-ex to each and every "Marriage of Charles and Camilla April 8th 2005" mug.
Despite this setback - and I'm sure that Diamond Geezer will mention the now useless commemorative Radio Times for the wedding that never was - no expense will be spared by the BBC for this weekend's big wedding. Notwithstanding having to put the whole shebang back a day due to unforeseen circumstances (although I'm led to believe that Charlie's still in a huff at the lack of an RSVP from the Vatican), this is set to be the nation's first interactive Royal Wedding.
With our unique insider knowledge of the forthcoming nptials, we've already seen a copy of the script from Friday ...err... Saturday's happy event, and thank God, I say, that the BBC have found something for Graham Norton to do:
"If any man knows just cause why this man and this woman cannot be joined together as husband and wife, press RED now or text HORSE-SHAGGER to 86969. Calls charged at 50p/minute, all proceeds to Comic Relief."
It'll be great. Prince Edward's in charge of the barbecue.
My wedding present for the happy couple: A tin of Bob Martin's Anti-Mating spray. It's for the good of the nation.