Thursday, September 08, 2005

Monster Mash

Monster Mash

I was walking through the graveyard on my way out of work last night*. There was this rustling noise by one of the crosses, and there, rising up before me, was this black-and-white thing scuffling around in the dirt.

"Zombies!" I thought, my innards heading rapidly towards my trousers, "Black and white zombie minstrels who'll eat my brains and sing Ol' Man River!"

Then I saw it was a badger, and the badger saw I was a terrible example of humanity and it ran away.

"Mushroom, Mushroom", I shouted after it in the traditional style, but it had gone without even giving me the courtesy of a nice little dance.

Fast-forward another couple of hours, and nature is calling me again. I stand in the bathroom of my lodgings, waiting for nature to run its course.

“WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAARRRGHHHHHHHH!” went the voice outside the window, a chilling scream the scraped the very bottom of my soul.

“Meep”, I said.

“WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAARRRGHHHHHHHH!” it went again, this time closer, louder, and obviously the sound of some hideous, hellish act of torture.

Or it could just have been a fox, right outside my window saying “Look! There’s a bloke up there taking a wee”.

Damn you nature, go scare the willies out of somebody else.

* Our office has a genuine graveyard, next to the bins. No-one ever asks for a pay rise in this place.

Thursday Vote-o: The Pasta Perspective

Good grief, I’ve been outstandingly productive this week, and have no less than six Scary stories lined up for future use. Go on, count ’em – SIX! Except you can’t, because I’m giving you the choice of a grand total of two top quality stories, as ordered by the voices in my head, currently under the control of The Flying Spaghetti Monster (Praise His Noodly Appendages).

Vote, then, and vote me good for the following (extra credit for fellow Pastafarians):

* Theatre of Hate – “And lo, He did descend upon the broad masses and anointed them with parmesan cheese and garlic bread; and they prais’d his noodly appendages.”
* God/Football – “And thence He appeared before the prophet and decried the evil that is Ragu, and openly mocked the man who eats spaghetti with a knife and fork.”

Ramen! Also: Yarrrr!

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