Thursday, September 29, 2005

A Return to Hell

A Return to Hell

“Here, Scary, come look at this!” Dave called across the office.

I rushed across to a television monitor where a frighteningly familiar scene awaited me…

You see, just when I thought I was over my ball-bag horror, ITV went and showed a vasectomy LIVE on This Morning yesterday morning.

Hell’s teeth, it was bad enough having one done already without being forced to go through it all over again, only with TV’s favourite midget P. Schofield wittering in the background as some doctor went at the victim's plums like they were an undercooked turkey on Christmas Day.

I winced, a familiar kick-in-the-groin feeling rooting me to the spot. God, I hope the poor sod brought his tightest y-fronts with him.

It occurred to me whilst watching this horror show - which should only have been screened in the punishment scenes in A Clockwork Orange – that my preparations for my big day were - let’s just say – rather too thorough. Not knowing where the incisions were going to be, I didn't actually need to shave all my short-and-curlies off at all. Knowing this would have saved me the best part of an hour at the wrong end of a razor blade, time which could have been spent worrying myself stupid.

So, in retrospect, I could have actually left the non-ballsack hair well alone, and gone into the operating theatre with private parts looking exactly like a young Tom Hanks. Or, with a cheeky moustache, Groucho Marx. Live and learn.

And now - a word from our sponsors: Celebrity lookalike available for children’s parties, bar mitzvahs, funeral wakes. The best Tom Hanks impersonator in the business. No refunds.

Scaryduck’s ‘Did You Know...?’ No. 341

Once again so-called soothsayer Nostradamus has been shown up as a fake. He predicted that Manchester City would dominate English football in the 1990's, when in fact it was near neighbours United who took all the silverware. The bloody charlatan.

The Thursday vote-o

As I’m running about like a mad thing for the next couple of days [hint: the Hotel Duck is once again receiving a weekend visit from relatives for the 27th week in a row], the vote-o’s going to be the same format as last week.

Two tales of woe, one 4pm voting deadline, and for once, genuine Scary quote-os to go with the vote-o.

* Revolution!: In which I unwittingly change the course of history. May involve language and nunchuks.
* Wanking Club – The Rise and Fall: In which, you will be pleased to hear, I pay no active part in the story. Contains mild peril and partial nudity.

In the words of them there Beatles: “Vote, vote me do”.

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