On Terrorism and Television
"It's all copy-cat stuff", says the Boss, commenting on the latest not-made-up-at-all terrorist kidnap-and-execution plot foiled by the security services. "They've seen all the Ken Bigley stuff on the internet, they've seen the Spanish train bombs, and they just go out and try it for themselves. They haven't got a single original idea in their heads, the lazy sods."
Toady that I am, I couldn't agree more, and suggested some sort of militant brain-storm where, if they're going to kill us all to death, they might as well do it with a degree of originality. After all, the IRA once plotted to kidnap Princess Anne and send her back in small parcels to her mum, and now the buggers are just trying to rip them off.
"Terrorist Idol," said the boss, closely followed by the winner: "How do you solve a problem like Osama?"
So, in the same vein as the immensely tasteless Soviet, Nazi, Tourettes and Chinese TV riffs, we ask: What programme would we get if the terrorists took over television?
* Middle East Enders
* Assassination Street
* Waking the Martyred
* The X Fatwa
* My Parents are Infidels
* Harry Hill's TV Burqa
* Imam Ted
* Allah Creatures Great and Small
* Poke Her Face (because she's not wearing a veil)
* Extremist Makeover
* Osama's do 'ave 'em
* Celebrity Fatwa Club
* How clean is your Mosque?
* Terrorist and June
The usual thanks to my fellow sick bastards at the Board of PPL for most of these suggestions, which will probably have me hiding in the same hole in the ground as Salman Rushdie.
Of course, we're not entirely biased against those wacky Islamic terror groups. And to prove it, we're handing the advert break over to the Irish Republican movement, who will do their best to prove they've renounced violence and have moved into dairy farming with their best-selling spread "I Can't Believe It's Not the Real IRA".
On that bloody awful pun, suggest-me-do.
No Thursday vote-o this week. Stallone's got yet another Rocky sequel out, so it's high time I did PiSS V: The Final Frontier. You lucky people.