Friday, November 09, 2007

Condensed Films: Return of the Jedi

Condensed Films: Return of the Jedi

Here we go with another cinema classic, thrashed about with a stick and thrown into a tumble dryer full of rocks until it ends up beaten down to five hundred words for the attention-span challenged youth of today. And they said it couldn't be done.

Actually, they said: "Stop being such an enormous twat, sir. Please leave before we call the police." But I got their general gist.

Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi

H. Solo: MMmmmff mmmmf mmmm mmmmff MMMff mmmm! (Translation: Hello. I am H. Solo and I am excellent. As you can see, I am frozen in carbonite and the prisoner of J. TEH HUTT. Don't worry, pop pickers, as that wimp with the light sabre and the bird in the see-through dress are going to save me. I'm fucked, aren't I?

P. Leia: Don't worry H. Solo! I'll save you. Oh. I am caught.

J. TEH HUTT: A hub a hub hub a hub hub hub. Now for some red hot slug/princess action. LOLZ

L. Skywalker: Hello. I am L. Skywalker and I am excellent. I am here to save H. Solo and P. Leia. ONOZ! I too am captured. What a shitty day, eh people?

J. TEH HUTT: Now it is time to kill you all TO DETH by feeding you to GIANT SPACE MINGE. ROFL

H. Solo: You defrosted me for this? You really are a first order shitcake.

L. Skywalker: LOL. I have escaped and saved my friends from GIANT SPACE MINGE

J. TEH HUTT: ONOZ! I am TEH DED!

GIANT SPACE MINGE: Om nom nom nom burp

L. Skywalker: PWN3D, LOL!

P. Leia: Hooray! Plz to help me into an even more see-through dress so we can stop D. Vader building another DETH STAR, FFS

L. Skywalker: First I go back and finish my Jedi training

H. Solo: Hippy.

Y. Oda: Returned, you have

L. Skywalker: I thought you was the DED

Y. Oda: I am now.

L. Skywalker: ARSE. Now to cheat at my Jedi exams. LOL

P. Leia: Plz to help me destroy THE DETH STAR

H. Solo: Are you teh MAD? I'll get killed TO DETH!

P. Leia: I'll be wearing my most see-through see-through dress

H. Solo: A hub a hub a hub a hub hub. OK, then.

C. Bacca: WAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

H. Solo: Sorry, Chewy. Your turn for sloppy seconds. Oh, FFS EWOKS!

P. Leia: Oh, FFS. G. Lucas, you're such a TWAT

TEH EWOKS: Don't worry P. Leia and H. Solo. We are only here to act as comic relief in an otherwise action-packed motion picture, while we also become expendable - if cute - foot soldiers in the climactic battle scene, and offer the opportunity of marketing the franchise to a new generation of younger viewers through branded merchandising and a low quality spin-off movie

P. Leia: Oh

TEH EWOKS: However, G. Lucas is still an enormous no-necked twat

P. Leia: Before the climactic battle scene, how about a quick scuttling behind that tree? My minge might explode before the day is out, LOLZ

C. BACCA: WAAAAAAAAARGH!

P. Leia: Not you - him. FFS

H Solo: I cannot do THE SEX with you because you fancy L Skywalker

P Leia: He is my bruv, LOL

H Solo: WT and indeed F?

P Leia: Fancy a threesome?

H Solo: You sick bitch. OK then.

L. Skywalker: Hello. I am still L. Skywalker and I am still excellent. Through a set of circumstances too contrived to mention with a mere "LOL" and "FFS" I have given myself up to TEH EMPIRE

D. Vader: Hi son

L. Skywalker: Hi dad. How's it hangin?

D. Vader: Oh, this an' that. I has a new DETH STAR. LOLZ. J. Clarkson is test driving it on Top Gear next week

L. Skywalker: LOLOL @ TEH STIG

D. Vader: Plz to come to TEH DARK SIDE. It is this: EXCELLENT. There's free whores an' everything

L. Skywalker: No. TEH DARK SIDE - it is TEH GHEY

D. Vader: Suit yourself, hippy. Now 2 kill you to DETH

Teh Imperial Emperor: LOLOLOLZ! Kill him to DETH, D Vader!

D Vader: WTF?! No. I cannot kill L Skywalker, even if he has - disappointingly - turned out a big girls' blouse.

Teh Imperial Emperor: Oh, FFS, let me do it then. Oh. I am TEH DED

D Vader: Oh. So am I. Plz to pull my helmet off, so I can die with a smile on my face

L. Skywalker: You sick bastard, dad. OK then

H. Solo: And we have also succeeded in blowing up TEH DETH STAR. Not that you care, FFS.

Ghost of D Vader: Woooooo! Now I'm all young again. Hey! B. Kenobi!

Ghost of B. Kenobi: Fuck off, you killed me, you bastard

Ghost of D Vader: But... but... I'm a gd guy now.

Ghost of B. Kenobi: This is supposed to be the happy ending, you complete ARSE

Ghost of Y. Oda: Bad you think this one is. J. J. Binks the next one has.

TEH WHOLE UNIVERSE: ONOZ!

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