Monday, November 24, 2014


Swiss Army Axe: Every home should have one
Behold! The finest impulse buy of my life, and I should know because I've made a few. It is exactly what you think it is - a penknife with saw, file, very short ruler and a screwdriver, only with a pert yet terrifying axe built in.

Acting on the encouragement of my boss, who wanted to explore its possibilities vis-a-vis getting meetings to run on time, we engaged in acts of SCIENCE to see whether Swiss Army Axe was actually any good at all.


Experiment One - Swiss Army Axe vs Canteen pork products

VICTORY for Swiss Army Axe. The soft, yet well-grilled porcine flesh is no match for the ruthless possibly-Taiwanese steel. Left a lingering after-taste of porky factory grease.

Experiment Two: Swiss Army Axe vs Banana

VICTORY for Swiss Army Axe. We thought the rubbery peel of the banana would cause difficulties, but a single blow cleaved it in twain like an angry mob severing a sex deviant's hampton. Taste: After making that comparison, we gave the banana away and were told it was "just like a banana. Why are you asking?"

Experiment Three: Swiss Army Axe vs Mars Bar

SCORE DRAW. The Mars Bar is the Gold Standard among confectionery, and it was only right to conduct the test under standard conditions: Still in its wrapper, direct from the vending machine. While the wrapping survived a single hearty blow from the Swiss Army Axe, the inside was 90% severed by the flashing blade. Taste test: Is it just me, or are Mars Bars no longer the Gold Standard they once were? And quite positively smaller, too.

CONCLUSION: If you want to have a 10% chance of survival when attacked by a journalist wielding a small axe he has recently purchased from TK Maxx for £6.99, then wrap yourself in Mars Bar wrappers. They seem to have a similar effect to bullet-proof vests, but with tastier non-lead contents.

That ends our findings. We think you will find that whichever side of the debate you are on, SCIENCE is the winner.

UPDATE: Hey wow - it's on Amazon!


Rowan said...

Hmm, as no mid test cleaning appears to have taken place, I would have expected the banana to taste of sausage and the mars bar to taste of banana.


Alistair Coleman said...

I assure you that cleaning did - in fact - take place, using a paper napkin from the canteen.

TRT said...

Finally, you have an axe to grind.

Ceiliog said...

No flag.
Rolson - Swiss Army Deserter Axe.

Robin of Locksley said...

I think you're a bit obsessed with the axehead bit of it, as some of the other blades would have been better suited for those test objects.

Having said that, it's really neat and I'm getting one.

Mr Larrington said...


Flaxen Saxon said...

Makes me want to burn stuff.

Woodsy42 said...

And it's got a very spannery looking 6 sided hole too - I bet you can remove bits of your bike with that bit.