Sugar-free Gummi HELL BEARS

This HELL BEAR is now dead

"Oh look," said Jane on a Sunday afternoon visit to Hartley Wintney - the poshest village in all of north Hampshire - "I wonder if the old fashioned sweet shop does sugar-free sweets?"

She is a Type 1 diabetic of 30 years standing, so this kind of thing is important to her. And they do stock sugar free sweets. Loads of them.

Now, I spent most of the previous week in fits of laughter at the reviews here, where punters describe the devastation caused by sugar-free Gummi Bears. And then there's this glorious Reddit story. Moral: Don't eat sugar-free Gummi Bears, they fuck you up.

"Don't get sugar-free Gummi Bears!" I shouted through the door. Well, Jane has never had any trouble with sugar-free Gummi Bears, so - amongst other things - she bought sugar-free Gummi Bears. Then we sat by the duck pond and ate sugar-free Gummi Bears.

I swear I only had about half a dozen, but the murderous sugar substitute soon got to work on my insides, and before long I was so bloated you could have tied a string found my ankle and flown me like a novelty balloon.

And then the farts. So many, many farts. They sounded like people in another room moving heavy furniture, whilst farting constantly. We suffered together, but consoled ourselves in the fact that we had not eaten so many as to move onto the next stage of the SUGAR-FREE GUMMI HELL BEAR infliction, for eg: The Attack of the Brown Laser, for which we were both thankful.

Those stories about SUGAR-FREE GUMMI HELL BEARS? They are all true. Do not try for yourself.