Friday, October 02, 2015

Harry Potter Facts!

I bloody love Harry Potter. He's ace. But did you know...?

At one point during his Hogwarts career, Potter was nothing but a badly-drawn floating head, the result of a prank by noted dickheads, the Weasley Twins

The Sorting Hat is not magical at all, and is simply Dumbledore throwing his voice. The tell-tale signs are the fact that it's actually "Bryffindor", and one first year found himself assigned to "Gottle of Geer" house.

The original challenges in the Tri-Wizard Tournament were:
  • Cancelling a LinkedIn account
  • Running through a council estate in Middlesbrough in full wizard costume shouting "I do believe in fairies, I do, I do"
  • Kicking Professor Snape up the arse

The unpublished last page of book seven reveals Harry still living under the stairs at the Dursleys at 4 Privet Drive, making up the adventures in his head to dampen the fear of Uncle Vernon's nightly visits. [It's not what you think - Uncle Vernon just wants Harry to fix his laptop because it's running so slowly with Windows 95 these days, and hardly connects to the internet and somebody obviously hacked those photos Mrs Dursley found]
Here's next year's Defence Against The Dark Arts master

The correct pronunciation of Hermione is HER-MEE-OWN. JK Rowling says she will "personally shit up" people who insist on calling her HER-MY-ONNY. "I just wish I had called her Jo," says JK, "It's so much easier to type. Like Ron."

Butter Beer is dead people. Additionally, you can fight off Death Eaters by offering them a Happy Meal

Mention Platform 9 3/4 at King's Cross station and the kiddiewinks love it. But tell them about the magical place in the third cubicle down in the gents' toilets at Paddington, and you get an ASBO

The popular Nimbus 2000 broomstick has been grounded after it emerged that Nimbus falsified the diesel emissions test over a period of 20 years. The Firebolt has also lost its flight certification due to a poor safety record, leaving many wizards with no choice but to walk

Noted dickheads the Weasley Twins think Dapper Laughs is "a ledge"

Dumbledore once magicked a Hufflepuff inside out "for shits and giggles" one night in a drunken bet with Professor McGongall. They never speak of it.

SPOILER! Everybody knows that He Who Cannot Be Named used the anagram "Tom Marvolo Riddle" to disguise his true identity of "I am Lord Voldemort". However, an original name for the character was Uesless Tawt, for which there are no known anagrams

Owls are actually really shit at delivering post, especially if you run a mail order small rodent business, as noted dickheads the Weasley Twins found out to their cost

A defeated Draco Malfoy gave up magic altogether, and is now personally in charge of all UK Job Centres. Noted dickheads the Weasley Twins are his assistants

Despite his heroics that sprang from his years at Hogwarts (still a 'failing' school in its latest OFSTED report due to all the hideously twisted and painful deaths in Dark Arts classes) Harry still says his greatest feat was being winked at by a naked lady in one of the paintings in the staff lounge
In the Harry Potter universe, salt and vinegar crisps come in a yellow packet, which is a blasphemy unto all right-thinking people

Let's hear it for Harry Potter!


Zimmer said...

Of course there is an anagram for UeslessTwat.. UselessTwat!! aka Coleman's spellchecker....

Mr Larrington said...

Those of the German Persuasion refer to Ms Granger as HER-MEE-OHNE. Literally translated this means "her without me" and is a thinly-veiled satire on the horror of marrying into the family of noted dickheads the Weasley twins.

Or something.

Alistair Coleman said...


Janetyjanet said...

Oh Zimmer


Oh dear.

Alistair Coleman said...

Unknown said...

Your final paragraph ftw :-)

TRT said...

The Dursleys missed a trick when they failed to charge Harry £500 a month for his accommodation.

Also Watford Junction is THE place to spot twats in scarfs as they head off on the magical "Knight Bus" (a Dennis Enviro 400 painted black and wrapped in decals) to Harry Potter land, based in the old aircraft factory and WW2 air field.

Zimmer said...

Oh, that was the joke ! I didn't see it. So it must have been a sith joke...