Sunday, November 08, 2015

Why God of the Old Testament can dish out the bants, but can't take it

"Don't make me come down there"
Smiting. If I was a God, I'd be heavily into smiting. And if you're after a smiting role model, you can look no further than the Old Testament, which was Smite Central. Just ask the Midianites, whose run-in with Jehovah ended very badly for them*.

We all know that God of the Old Testament was a bit of an evil bastard. In fact, he's a character best described by Richard Dawkins in The God Delusion thussly:

Basically, if you weren't on the right side, God had it in for you, often in the most painful way possible. As a matter of fact, he'd even do something vaguely unpleasant even if you were on the side of the righteous, which makes him - to us - an equal opportunities deity whose smiting record was second to none.

So, it comes as no surprise to find 2 Kings 2, vv23-24, and the story of the prophet Elisha, a biblical character known for his lack of hair:

"Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up by the way, young lads came out from the city and mocked him and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead!” 24 When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number."

I'll just leave that there. God had 42 kids killed for making fun of somebody's bald head. He had them torn apart by a bear, and probably thought that it was funny.

FORTY-TWO KIDS. Over what one might call "banter" these days.

God of the Old Testament - it turns out - can dish out the bants, but he can't take it.

And the kiddiewinks were right. Elisha was 60% forehead with a pate like a bowling ball.

Elisha in religious art: Slaphead
So the next time you take the mick out of The Rock or Bruce Willis or Paul Daniels for their lack of hair, remember this: They might have a vengeful deity on their side that will send wild animals to eat their way through a coachload of kiddiewinks to reach you.

And when you're inside of a bear, don't come running to me to say you haven't been warned.

* Other angry deities and their murderous human agents are available.


Gonzoland said...

6. And Gonzo left Gonzoland and travelled to the land of Lout.
7. And on waiting for a chariot to take him,
8. Gonzo saw before him a young Lout.
9. Baldy, said the Lout and Gonzo was much dismayed.
10. Gonzo pointing yonder did say
11. Over there is a woman walking her doggy.
12. Can you, Lout, say it? - Doggy
13. And the lout could not say Doggy
14. And the people in the chariot queue laughed.

Ole Phat Stu said...

Also a pedo, see Numbers 31:17-18.

TRT said...

You do realise it was probably incorporated into the Bible by accident when someone translated an ancient Grecian joke book? And I can prove it.

2 Kings 4 contains that old joke about a wife paying off her household debts with a scheme involving the neighbours and a bottle of olive oil. I think the punchline lost something in translation, however, but in the original ancient Greek it's a fucking hilarious pun.

Ole Phat Stu said...

Ah but(t) 2 Kings 34-35 supprts MY theory ;-)

Mr Larrington said...

Also the God of the Old Testament won't let the Children of Israel eat cheeseburgers, which is an act of unparalleled gittery.

Woolly Bully said...

... and Spam.
Lev 11.
The Spam
although of shiny can
Does not chew cud