Death came to call.
He likes to visit on a Wednesday, as there always seems to be a rush on Thursdays, what with it being pension day and everything.
As always, he sits down, has a cup of tea, and we take turns at trying to coax the cat down from the ceiling.
On Sundays, he joins me with my wife and kids for a pub lunch, followed by a spot of cricket, weather permitting, on the village green. He bowls a decent leg break, but his batting skills need a lot of work.
Ironic really, as he's an absolute whizz with the old scythe, but his defence is that "it's a completely different grip". Anyone who has ever picked up a cricket bat can see it's his leg work that lets him down. A decent chap all round, and he's hardly ever killed any of the oppostion. We don't talk about that dodgy LBW decision any more.
He's taking my Great Aunt Ada to a dinner-dance tonight. I hope she knows what she's letting herself in for - he only knows one routine, he's been dancing it for centuries, and like Lionel Blair, he'll never stop.
I just wish he wouldn't smoke quite so much. It'll be the death of him.
Consume! Conform! Obey!
DVD Review: Spy Kids 3D: Game Over
OK, I confess, I went out and spent hard-earned on cynically-produced Hollywood product. Excuse: unspent gift vouchers. So...
A relentless rollercoaster of juvenile espionage adventures with a sappy "family values" message tacked onto the end, just in case. The film saved only by Sly Stallone hamming it up like a pro; and the shonky 3-D effects that wrecked my sense of perception and still has me feeling queasy three days later. Spent the entire second half of the movie shouting "Khaaaan!" every time Ricardo Montalban appeared on screen. In other words: it's a franchise, what did you expect?
Immediately after the film, Scaryduck Junior went upstairs and bowked rich, brown vomit down the big white telephone for a good ten minutes, not spilling a drop on the lino - a testament to the quality of the 3-D colour separation technology, last seen in the 1957 3-D classic "The Texas Pole Vault Masscare". It was that good.
3-D movies are so bad they're brilliant, and this one scores 17/10 on the Eddie Murphy "Last Film I Saw" scale.
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