Thursday, September 30, 2004

Public Health Warning

Public Health Warning

There's no denying it, we live in a nanny state. You can't do anything without being warned of its potential fatal consequences, and it won't be long now before cars are sold with the warning "Driving this vehicle at speed into a brick wall my cause injury." It's getting to the point where products are sold with so many warnings and claims on the side you no longer know what you're buying. A study, to be released any day now, will conclude that buying the Daily Mail gives you cancer. God, that'd really make their century.

I have, after all, seen with my own eyes a packet of Tesco's mixed nuts and raisins featuring the health warning "May contain nuts." Good thing I checked. There could have been a dreadful accident.

What is it with food labelling? Pork Scratchings now advertise themselves as "Low in Carbohydrates", just right for your Atkins fiends. Of course, that's mainly because they are 98 per cent lard. I remember the good old days when the packaging just read "Ingredients: Bits of Pig".

The same goes for Turkish Delight, a food straight from Satan's arse. "A fat-free food!" the wrapper squeals in rapturous joy. Probably because there's so much sugar, they ran out of space for dripping. Nobody in their right mind should eat Turkish Delight mainly because it looks and tastes exactly like the brains of old ladies, slaughtered in their beds by axe-wielding care-in-the-community lunatics, mixed with elephant dung bought by the truck-load from London Zoo. This is because IT IS.

As somebody pointed out to be, it's nothing to do with any actual legal requirements, they're just looking on the positive side. Just like McDonalds label stuff "hepatitis free" and "three billion served, hardly anybody dead." Burger King: "The toilet's just through there" and "freeebola for every thousandth customer".

That's as nothing compared to Dunkin Donuts, now sweeping the police stations of this once proud nation. "Allergy data: Contains Crustaceans. Crustaceans include, crab, crayfish, lobster, and shrimponds." Crabs? In your doughnuts? Eeeew! I mean Aaaaargh! It's at times like this that you're forced to look on the bright side. Your Dunkin Donuts are almost certainly free of petrol, ravioli and mud-wrestling Big Brother contestants, for which we should all be thankful.

I left the Ministry of Agriculture many years ago now, yet my friend Tony has remained there, rising steadily to the rank of senior pencil shuffler. He is in charge of the Recipes - every food product marketed in the UK has to have their (secret) receipe registered with Tony. His only advice to me: "Don't have the meat pies". He's right: "Ingredients: Bits of Pig".


Tomorrow is Scaryduckling's tenth birthday, which means I've not really got the time to mess about with a Thursday vote-o. Instead, you will be seeing a specially-written tale of scatalogical woe:

* Shitfaced: "Lord Jeffrey Archer looked up to see the cow flying towards him. It would be the last thing he ever saw."

Vote! Vote! ...err... VOTE!


Chaffinches and I have somehow got ourselves into an article in The Scotsman about blogging. Great. Now the whole world thinks I'm obsessed with Sarah Beeny's breasts and am under the impression that Kirstie Allsopp is a pre-op transexual. Not a cutting to show the family...

No comments: