Situation Vacant

Situation Vacant: Royal dipstick

Gerry in another place quite rightly points out that when Prince Charles marries Dobbin, he'll not only be gaining a wife, but will also be creating a vacancy for the exceptionally taxing post of Royal Mistress.

I know what you're thinking, and it's this: "The manky old git."But it works both ways. Mrs Parker-Bowles has not only spent the last three decades engaged in furtive how's-you-father with Prince Charles, but aslo living with the very real fear that the door might burst open at any moment to an enraged Duke of Edinburgh or a scissor-wielding Princess Diana. Or, quite possibly, both.

She's used to the thrill of illicit humping, and now those days are over. What's she going to do with herself now she's resigned to a life of opening hospital wards and sitting in committees filled with well-meaning middle-aged women helping "those poor cripples and orphans in Africa".

Take a good look at this picture, in which, even at the age of 57, you can clearly see two puppies fighting in a sack. Now ask yourself: dare you answer that small ad in The Times? "Must like, be hung like, horses."