On sticking one's nose into fiery nuclear Armageddon where it's not wanted

Things you should know before we crack on:

• I (used to) live in the socialist utopia of Weymouth,so this is relevant to my interests
• The town received £8m to cover the cost of policing the sailing events in the 2012 Olympic Games
• Local tourist attractions include both Monkey World and the Tank Museum, built next door to each other...
• ...and just down the road from the Winfrith nuclear research facility

What, dear reader, could possibly go wrong?


Dear The Dorset Echo

With the Olympics only four years away, I feel it is my duty to report a threat to our area – and indeed our very existence - that not even the reported £8m police budget to cover the Games could combat.

I refer, of course, to South Dorset's square mile of CERTAIN DOOM, which, if we let our guards down will spell the end of civilisation as we know it.

A recent trip to the high-quality tourist attractions in the area brought home to me the danger that we all face. Excellent that they are, but what fool put the Tank Museum next door to Monkey World?

It would only take a couple of unlocked cages and a set of keys carelessly left in the ignition, and we'd have spare monkeys roaming the county in 62 tons of Challenger tank scaring council tax payers, blocking the Tolpuddle Bypass to traffic and demanding bananas with menaces at the height of the Olympic rush.

Let us add to the mix the nuclear reactors at nearby Winfrith, and the potential disaster that faces us all is made only too clear.

It is, I fear, only a matter of time before our Simian friends get their hairy little hands on a bunch of Panzers and T-38s, and poor, dead Charlton Heston will be crawling up Weymouth beach screaming "Damn you all to hell!" as a shattered King's statue looms over him.

One would suspect Lord Coe would have kittens if this highly likely train of events came to pass. Hardly the so-called "Olympic Legacy" he had in mind.

I am not mad.

Your Pal

Mr Kim Jong-Il, Castletown, Portland