On not taking more than one bottle into the shower

On not taking more than one bottle into the shower

OK, I admit it. I AM as tight as a duck's chuff.

Somebody left 5p in the vending machine? Mine. All mine.

If it's 4.20pm, you can see me at cheapskates' parade in the local supermarket buying up all the out-of-date killer yoghurts at 10p a pop.

My current toothbrush cost 13p. That's 13p for a pack of two, and it hardly has any Chinese lead paint in it, at all.

Too mean to pay out on shampoo, shower gel and – God forbid – hair conditioner, I keep a small bottle, which I top up from any bathroom that I might be passing. The resultant mix is currently a pinky-grey with little white blobs floating about.

A recent stay in a top-class Premier Inn somewhere on the South Coast of England filled my bottle to the brim with their wall-mounted Dove shower goo dispenser.

I would point out at this point that I draw the line at 50p-per-fifty-gallon-drum handwash much loved by office and motorway service washrooms. It's not that they don't work, it's the pink rash on the delicate parts. Come to think of it, that might be something to do with the toothpaste.

If I'm really clever, and visit enough bathrooms, I can fill up DOZENS of these bottles with all-in-one cleaning jism and sell them on from a market stall somewhere in south-east London. This time next year, Rodders...