Dear EastEndersAs a loyal viewer of your programme since it started in 1985, I finally find myself moved to write to you in order to correct one of the show's longest-running omissions.
For far too long EastEnders - which has portrayed itself as a mirror on British society (albeit one where nobody has a washing machine or a television) - has pandered to current causes celebres and so-called issues.
However, it lacks coverage of the one controversy that has divided the nation for years: for eg, the lack of a convincing character who craps through people's letterboxes.
You could spin the storyline out for months, with glimpses of the perpetrator's arse crack as he nips out a length through Big Mo's letterbox; telling shots of a step-ladder somewhere in the Square as household after household falls victim to the Phantom Crapper's reign of terror; and the good, old fashioned red herring as it emerges that Nick Cotton has been unable to take a dump for seventeen years after a bizarre spacehopper accident in 1992.
A nation will hold its breath as Ian Beale eventually unveiled and rightly hailed as a hero and 100 per cent TOP BLOKE.
I've already offered this storyline to Corrie, and Craig Charles is completely and utterly up for it, so you'll have to make your minds up pretty sharpish.
If it helps, you can borrow my step-ladder.
Your pal,
Albert O'Balsam
PS I am not mad
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