The Daily Express and a cure for everything

As an anti-fan of the Daily Express, I am convinced that - were they still living in the past and using old-fashion typesetting - they'd leave certain headlines set up in type to be used over and over again.

One of these much-used phrases is "New pill", in which a medical breakthrough (usually many many years away from having any practical good) is praised as a miracle cure that may be given to Express readers in pill form. See also its close cousin "New jab".

According to the Express over recent months, there are to be New Pills which will cure the following: agieng, arthritis, Alzheimer's disease, obesity, arthritis (again), grey hair, strokes, not getting your five-a-day, MS, obesity (again), cancer, migraines, diabetes, heart disease, meningitis, obesity (again), cancer (again)... And add twenty years to your life. (Warning: Links take you to the Daily Express, a known cancer risk)

That's twenty more years reading the Daily Express, and you might as well top yourself.

If I were the editor of the Express (see above re: topping yourself), I would be dropping this Get Us Out of the EU campaign guff they've got going on, and force scientists to get together to combine all these miracle cures into one MEGA NEW PILL. A mega new pill that would make us all immortal.

If there's one jumbo-sized problem we can see, it's that such a pill would be so big you'd choke to death trying to swallow it.

The made-up science is out there. Let's do this thing.