Operation Apples For Armstrong

Lance Armstrong - from one of the greatest sportsmen of the 20th Century to a dirty, druggy cheaty cheat. All those titles stripped. All that sponsor money withdrawn. All that prize money demanded back, not to mention a cool million that The Times wants returned after he successfully took them for libel when they called him out as a dirty, druggy cheaty cheat a few years ago.

To be honest, I'm disappointed and angry. Everybody clung on to the hope that he might be clean, but how wrong we were, and it was a hard thing to believe. Angry at the damage he's done to his Livestrong cancer charity. There's jobs and patients on the line, and that is what displeases me the most.

I shall not be asking for my money back for his autobiography (now filed under 'fiction) "It's Not About The Bike", for it contains one wonderful story by which he will be damned.

When he won onwe of his Tours de France, he taunted the other riders at the end-of-race banquet with plates of apples and a quote from the film Good Will Hunting: "How do you like them apples?" The apples quote came to represent Armstrong's standard response to anybody who doubted his ability, or accused him of being a dirty, druggy cheaty cheat.

So, Lance, now you've been found out: "How do you like them apples?"

And here is my plan:

Everybody send him an apple to see how he likes them, with a note "How do you like them apples?"

Everybody send an apple to Lance Armstrong, Texas, USA, and he'll have millions of apples which he will HAVE to like.

Perhaps - and this is my recommendation - not wanting to waste therse truckloads of apples, he will turn them into cider and spend several decades as a drunken unshaven derelict, asking strangers for the price of a cup of tea, and reflecting through a raging hangover on the glory days and how he bought them by being a dirty, druggy cheaty cheat.