Shorten a film
Does exactly what it says in the title. Take a film, knock a couple of hours out of it. And if you can kill off the dreadful sequels, so much the better.
The Poseidon Adventure - inspired by actual comments spoken by my father-in-law
INT: THE BRIDGE OF THE SS POSEIDON
Captain: Yarr! Tis a high sea an' no mistake!
First Mate: Aye, Cap'n must be sore dreadful for the passengers in the ship's ballroom.
Captain: Yarr! It must be the first New Year's Party where people were spillin' their guts before it started!
Mate: Yaaar! You made a funny Cap'n. Yaarrrrrrrggghhhhh!
Mate: Yaarrrrrrrggghhhhh! A huge wave, about to hit us broadside! It'll surely capsize us, Cap'n!
Captain: Steer the ship into the wave then, me heartie!
Mate: Aye aye, Cap'n!
Minutes later, the wave has passed, deluging the ship in water, but little else.
Captain: Yarrr! That was a close one. And not a hand lost!
Mate: Except Ernest Borgnine. I shot the ugly bastard with the flare gun.
INT: USS ENTERPRISE CONFERENCE ROOM
Spock: Ah, there you are captain. We were looking everywhere for you.
Kirk: Yes. I'm sorry I'm late, I was cleaning Nurse Chapple's teeth. WITH MY COCK!
Uhura: You bastard, James, you never clean my teeth anymore. That's the last time I do the fan dance in your quarters. Video camera or no video camera.
Bones: And it's the only decent movie he's ever directed.
Spock: Whatever the logic behind your lack of trousers, Captain, I'm afraid we had no choice but to start the meeting without you.
Chekov: Yes, Keptin, we have already started squad slection for this year's World Cup Fantasy League.
Kirk: My God. Has he gone?
Spock: Yes Sir, I'm afraid Mr Sulu has already bid for the German goalkeeper.
Now: Your turn. Hint - Eddie Murphy has signed on for Beverly Hills Cop IV. Stop this blasphemy. Kill it! Kill it now!