I'm with my evil, fatigued stalky twin Tired Dad on this one. I can't be funny today. I'm in agony. Terrible, white spots in front of my eyes agogany, the result of a chest wall injury I suffered two weeks ago. Woe, it is a bizarre golfing injury, which serves me right. And it only hurts when I laugh.
I've gone and torn some muscles away from my ribcage, and by buggery it hurts. What makes the injury worse is that other muscles over-compensate to make up for the lack of breathing capacity, and they end up strained and agogany as well. And when I was supposed to be resting, completely, for a week or so, Mrs Duck had me building a garden arch, weeding the fish pond and moving two piles of logs into "one, uniform, conical heap". Then, I helped the neighbour rip three tons of ivy off a fence, destroy two concrete posts and put up new panels. Work it off, as it were. I'd feel fantastic in the morning.
The following morning, I couldn't even move. Normal everyday things, like standing up, sitting down, moving and breathing became dreadful, pain-filled ordeals. I had to walk, help me, like Sandi Toksvig, and the doctor sent me for X-Rays to see if I was going to die or not.
I'm not, which is a bit of a bugger.
My only complaint is the horse-stopping painkillers I'm on now. Sure, the pain's died down, but they have the side-effect of bunging me up more effectively than any cork, and go on, guess which muscles I need to use to done a poo. And they also bring on sudden and extreme fatigue which can strike at any ti… ZZZzzz…
So, I'm not going to be funny. Do not - and I cannot stress this enough - use the comments to try to make me laugh. I'll hunt down each and every one of you.
Point 'o' interest: I've just received the second proofs for the Scaryduck book Tales of Mirth and Woe from the publishers. With any luck, and a following wind, it should hit the streets at some stage next month. YaY!
Point 'o' interest II: The increasingly inaccurate counter at the bottom of this page will reach 900,000 at some stage today. Will it be you? Hit F5 repeatedly to find out! Update - 900,000 has been and gone. Will you be 1,000,000? F5-me-do!