On becoming a journo
While I'm away from the comforts of my office, and staring down the barrel of the gun that is the real world (from the lobby of the Edinburgh Sheraton Hotel), this peice may remind you of the rocky career path I have chosen. Oh yes.
It’s a tough old life being a journalist in the field. You end up, old, wrinkled, bitter and utterly unable to function in society unless living in the most expensive hotel the network can find for you. And despite what they say, your bog standard run-of-the-mill news assignment is enormously dull, and often needs jazzing up a little before it is allowed to reach your screen.
There are stories, however, that no amount of hideously expensive graphics, expert summarizers and satellite links can make interesting. You cannot, as we all know, polish a turd.
That is why, then, all trainee journalists are issued with the Standard Lunchtime O’Booze Memorial Press Hack’s Kit, guaranteed to turn even the most benign of situations into the heart-rending, tear-jerking, vote-changing of stories
* Highly inflammable US and Israeli flags** with a free bottle of lighter fuel
* DIY effigy kit for the world leader of your choice [Ariel Sharon size now available!]
* One child's shoe, for poignant cutaways
* One teddy bear, ditto
* Novelty Bucket-o-Shrapnel
* Inflatable mob, or,
* Free beer vouchers, redeemable at any Wetherspoons pub, riot guaranteed
* Bunch of flowers with the word "Why??" written in block capitals on a small card
* Orla Guerin horror mask
Who can fail to be moved by any report that carries at least on of these optional extras? Naturally, I have incredibly high standards and live by a code of ethics which means that every last piece I write is of the highest quality possible, and will leave this kind of rubbish to other, lesser broadcasters. You know. *cough* Sky *cough*
Scaryduck Jr now wants to follow his old man into the fourth estate. I shall do everything in my power to prevent this.
** It's a little known fact that every flag in the world comes from a factory in Portland, US, and that every time an American flag in burned in the Middle East, some guy in the US makes another buck. That's trickle-down economics in action.