Eloquent Willy Bum Man
Now, there's something I didn't know this time last week.
A local student of languages has kindly told me what my name means in Arabic. Literally, and it comes as little surprise, it comes out as "The Eloquent Willy Anus"
It was as if it were ordained by fate.
Buoyed up by this discovery, I offer you no less than six stories to choose from for this week's Thursday vote-o. Choose, then, from the following, remembering that the value of vote-o quote-os may go down as well as up:
* Conk: "Women, eh? Sometimes I wish I'd been born gay. Only without all that bumming an' stuff, obviously."
* Road Rage: And did not our Lord ask of Mary Magdalene in the time of his greatest temptation: "Hast thou a sister?"
* Hole in the Ground: "And coming soon to BBC2," said the announcer, "The Orifice - Ricky Gervais goes for a prostate examination - with hilarious results!"
* Bin: "I went up north once," I told her as she smeered herself with beef dripping, "It was cold, the people spoke funny and I got food poisoning off pie."
* Science Lab II - The Trial of Blood: "Oh yeah?" he said, not standing for that kind of talk, "Well, your mum... your mum... touches kids."
* Rubbery: "Feh! Jimmy Carr? He's not fit to lick Spike Milligan's shoes. In fact, let's dig up Spike and get Carr shoe-licking pronto. Then I'd laugh at him."
For the uninitiated, the winner of this vote will be published tomorrow as this week's Tale of Mirth and Woe, in which lurid and dreadful descriptions of bodily functions are all but guaranteed.
Vote! Vote! Vote, I say! And tell us what you think your name should be in foreign.
Your reward, by popular demand: I understand that there was a football match between Liverpool and Arsenal this week in which a number of goals were scored. Scorchio!