Inspired by my new, improved Friends Reunited profile (which, I swear, I never, ever look at), I was contacted by a lad with whom I shared quality classroom time back in the 1980s. I say 'lad', but he is a grown man now; and the word 'friend' is stretched to its loosest possible definition, because, frankly, I barely knew him from a hole in the ground. But then, our school was big on holes in the ground, what with the poor reputation of our Science Club and everything. Jeff, is turns out, is a broken man. On leaving school, he went to some Polytechnic college on the south coast, after which he somehow landed his dream job studying whales in the Caribbean. A dream job for anyone except Jeff. Two decades on, the result of sleeping through a crucial college lecture after a night spent face down in a Brighton gutter, he never found out where they lay their eggs.
Now, back in the UK, he is starting a new - and if you ask me, an entirely misguided - venture in the domestic pet trade. So, not desperate at all, and with a wife and six kids to support, he is spamming his Friends Reunited lists in the forlorn hope that one or any of use who left The Piggott School, Wargrave between 1982-4 might want to buy a pet bee on a string. Fully licensed, he claims, with a free collar.
What an enormous twat.
If he had paid any attention at all to my Friends United profile he would have realised that I am already chairman of the Dorset Wasp Fanciers Union, and we at the DWFU have rather strong views about bees, viz: crap. My wasp-on-a-string is so offended, it is all I can do to stop Buzzy Minogue from going off and giving idiot Jeff a damn good sting. And I would not be out of order.
It's people like this who give the internet a bad name.
I am not mad.
Also: Duck News has a go at being a pirate.
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