On the one thing that no man should ever do
If there's one thing that no man should ever do, it is to engage in sexual congress whilst wearing socks.
It is, quite simply, wrong - the kind of behaviour you'd expect from senior members of the Conservative party, or people having sex with senior members of the Conservative Party. If they have sex at all.
A true man will even feel a pang of shame cracking one out on his own whilst wearing socks, and will almost certainly think of Ann Noreen Widdecombe at the vital moment. This would result in a reprehensible waste of spoodge that could easily have been imagined elsewhere.
A sockless Sarah Beeny, for example.
Socks and sex = no.
Socks and sandals and sex = NO
Come to think of it, there are loads of things that no man should ever do. Most of these happen to involve socks and members of the Conservative Party in some way or another and should be avoided if you value your sanity.
Which brings us, mercifully, to this week's Thursday vote-o. Choose, if you please, from the following four tales of mirth and woe. The value of the vote-o quote-os, as usual, may go down as well as up.
* Launcher The doorbell rang. It was Ann Noreen Widdecombe, naked as the day she was born, clutching a bottle of baby oil. "No darling, she insisted, "Leave the socks on"
* Paintball: The doorbell rang. It was Margaret Hilda Thatcher... no, sorry, I can't bring myself to... *boilk*
* Sports Day: The doorbell rang. It was Nigella Lawson, naked as the day she was born, clutching a bottle of baby oil. "Wear these socks," she demanded, "They are a present from my father, former Conservative Chancellor Nigel Lawson." I retort: "Please leave, foul temptress."
* Curry Night: The doorbell rang. It was Conservative Party housing policy advisor Kirstie Allsopp, naked as the day she was born, clutching a bottle of baby oil. "You don't happen to possess a pair of socks I could borrow, by any chance?"
Vote! Vote me up!