Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Public Service Announcement

Public Service Announcement

They are advertising vibrating cock rings on Channel Four.

This is not a drill. I repeat:

They are advertising vibrating cock rings on Channel Four.

"My God!" I said, "They're advertising vibrating cock rings on Channel Four!"

My beloved wife was somewhat puzzled as to what - exactly - a vibrating cock ring does. So I told her.

"Oooh," she said.

And: "That's disgusting."

And, eventually: "Where do you get them?"

I presumed, being products of the esteemed London Rubber Company, one purchases these luxury marital aids from the same retail outlets that sell the finest locally grown and harvested rubber johnnies.

So, I now have a quest. I must walk into the Weymouth branch of Boots the Chemist, and announce in my finest Tom Baker voice "I desire one of your superlative vibrating cock rings, young lady, which I wish to place on my pulsating shaft for increased coital pleasure for both myself and my charming lady wife."

And: "Size large, for preference, if you please."

And: "No, I do not need to purchase condoms, for I am a jaffa, but it was kind of you to ask. As a matter of fact, I have dozens of unused prophylactics I no longer require. Would you care to make me an offer?"

"That's 5.95, love."

"HOW MUCH?! If it wasn't for the ASBO, I could sit on a washing machine in the Currys showroom for nothing, I'll have you know."

Or, I could just buy the bloody thing off the internet.

Failing that, it's Deep Heat on a toothbrush. Again.

Public Service Announcement Part II

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