Friday, July 04, 2014

An Important and Definitive Ranking of Chocolate and Confectionary Bars



It's an actual true fact that chocolate tastes 237% better if you're biting the face off a frog. That's why Freddo bars are the best chocolate in the world.

But which chocolate bars are the best? And which ones are the worst? We asked The Internet, ignored their advice completely, and have compiled a definitive list of chocolate snacks.

  1. Freddo – the king of chocolate snacks. I remember when Freddo was just a little chocolate tadpole, begging you to bite his face off
  2. Bounty (Plain chocolate) – Fails to make number one because of the sheer terror that it might contain bitey tropical insects. I have never found bitey chocolate insects
  3. Twix – Two fingers up to Kitkat, who are at the bottom because they're made by Nestle. Twix, yeah!
  4. Topic – What's got a hazelnut in every bite? Squirrel casserole. Sadly not sampled for several years out of deference to Jane's nut allergy
  5. Snickers - Yum (but see Topic)
  6. Wispa – Like mainlining milk chocolate. More satisfying than the Aero (relegated to the second division due to Nestle connection)
  7. Flake – See Wispa, only with most of it ending up on the floor. Eating one in the bath is not as sexy as they make out in the adverts
  8. Wagon Wheels – The staple diet of football fans, was once charged a pound for one at Chelsea back in the late eighties, but it was the size of a dustbin lid. They ARE getting smaller
  9. Boost –good for quick energy, but lose marks because of their habit of extracting your fillings if you eat one straight out of a chilled vending machine
  10. Mars – Once the gold standard of chocolate, now overtaken by keener, frog-shaped rivals. The "Meh" of chocolate.
  11. Dairy Crunch - Also the "Meh" of chocolate
  12. Bounty (Milk chocolate) - A disappointing version of the stellar plain Bounty, with the added sheer terror of bitey tropical insects etc
  13. Crunchie - The chocolate equivalent of Soylent Green. 
  14. Picnic - Doesn't know if it's a chocolate bar or a bowl of fruit. Sort yourself out, Picnic, you're a disgrace. Also: Looks like a nutty turd
  15. Double Decker – "They're crunchy. They're chewy" went the advert. They're bloody horrible.
  16. Kitkat / Kitkat Chunky – Because they're made by Nestle.
  17. Lion Bar – "Because the moment you bite into them they go off like a bleeding fragmentation grenade." One bar in every 10,000 contains a real lion.

Any comments or additions to the list? YOU ARE WRONG.

21 comments:

Flaxen Saxon said...

For some purists, 'Snickers' will always remain Marathon to those who remember. And chocy bars were always larger in the past. Ain't that the sad truth.

Rowan said...

Excellent piece, but you've not covered the factor of size, and it does matter!

In the 1990s a king-size mars bar at around 30 pence was two full meals for a spotty teenager. Nowadays a duo is barely a mouthful even when you shove both barrels in your chocolate hole.

Anonymous said...

Bounty? BOUNTY! You have obviously never seen the left overs in a box of celebrations after all the good ones have gone.

MonkeyBiscuit said...

You appear to have missed the often forgotten older sibling of the Boost... the Starbar!

Possbert said...

Last year I said to myself that it had been ages since I'd had a Polly Waffle, I fancied one and tried to track one down. Only to be told they hadn't been made for years.

And Wagon Wheels should be called Lego Wheels because that's how far they've shrunk.

TRT said...

I've always like the old Double Decker, because you can dissect it with your teeth.
You've also missed Yorkie off the list, which should obviously be at the very, very bottom, even biscuit and raisin Yorkie.
And if you're going to include KitKat then you need to include all the Tunnock's stuff etc.
Then there's the supermarket clone bars which could form a whole other post, e.g. the ASDA "Marathon" equivalent, "Sprint" and the Aldi "2000m hurdles".

Flaxen Saxon said...

I have never witnessed such ire over mere confectionery, before. Tis unnatural and defies logic, at least in the syllogistic sense. I hear tell that the following blog has made mention of the legendary, 'Marathon bar'. Mention of which is mere insinuated and doth whispered in the most graven and hallowed tones... Read on fellow traveler and contemplate a philosophy, unknown and bizarre....... http://flaxensaxon.blogspot.com/

Steve said...

Little known fact. The Freddo is an Australian invention.

Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...

Little known fact. The Australian is a Freddo invention.

Possbert said...

As is the Caramello Koala (I'm guessing).

Richard said...

Ha, look at these children celebrating that their chocolate cost 30p in the 90s. We used to beg my Mum to buy us a Topic from Mrs Sturch in the Post Office but were told that at 6d they were vastly expensive. 50 years later a Topic is still an exotic treat while the Marathon (on offer 33p in Aldi and about the size of a Finger of Fudge (whoever thought of that name?)) are the staple.

Newckie said...

Curly Wurly.....what the ?

#Debi said...

I am concerned about Rowan's use of the phrase "shove both barrels in your chocolate hole". I think you may be doin it rong...

Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...

Speaking of chocolate

http://cdn.list25.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/187-610x360.jpg

I thought you might appreciate this.

Anonymous said...

You know nothing Scarduck. Bounty. Twice. Nonsense

brian said...

I have eaten cardboard tastier than a lion bar, who buys them?

Pickle Litsell said...

I CANNOT believe the mighty 'Twirl' is missing from this list. It solves the problems of 'flake' (everything falls on the floor) and can be double mainlined if you 'tim-tam-slam' it by biting off the end and sucking tea through it. Unsubscribed ;)

Rightwinggit said...

17 comments??

You fat bastards! :)

aw912345 said...

Topic – What's got a hazelnut in every bite? Squirrel casserole.

No, it was always squirrel shit!

Anonymous said...

How could you have missed Caramac? Ambrosia of the gods...........

Barry said...

My favorites have always been Cadbury's Buttons and Cadbury's Dairy Milk 20g bar that was bought as a treat as kids when we were ill.

Also a box of Cadbury's Flat Twenties at Christmas is still a treat I look forward to.