Friday, July 18, 2014

My big plan to make the Olympics more fun

The Rio 2016 website reminds us that the next summer games are only two years away. It also shows us this picture, which illustrates – very wrongly – what they think BMX riding might be.

 If the carry on their preparations in this manner, one or two athletes might be in for a shock when they turn up for their events.

And herein lies my big plan to make the Olympics – both summer and winter – exactly 253% more fun.

  1. Everybody qualifies for the games in their own sports as normal
  2. They turn up in Rio fully trained and with all their kit ready to go
  3. Their name is drawn out of the hat, and they are assigned a random sport in which to compete
  4. ???
Can you imagine?

A weightlifter sinking to the bottom of the pool during the synchro swimming

Boxers forced to wear full kit for the table tennis

The weeds from the clay shooting forced to run the marathon (at the point of their own guns in necessary)

Hammer throwers doing that thing with the ribbons and the hoops in the rhythmic gymnastics

Absolutely anybody who doesn't do ski jumping doing the ski jumping

Lord Coe should get on the blower and bring the whole thing back to London where it belongs. We've done a reasonably successful games – now watch as we mess it up in supreme style.


Flaxen Saxon said...

Mr Duck, I would like to see a few more ‘sport’ categories added:
1. Arsonetics: Involves setting alight to the Olympic village as a re-enactment of the famous Rome fire of 64AD. I could fiddle my expenses during the conflagration.
2. Stake Burning: I think this would make a great team sport. It would involve burning at the stake all those nasty foreign teams which seem to win a lot of medals.
3. Slalom: My variation would be similar to the established version, but the ‘track’ would be liberally doused with petrol and set alight as the first riders hit the ‘bendy’ bit.
4. Stabbing: I envisage a bit of knife fighting here. Afterwards the loser could be burnt at the stake (see 2).
I know my recommendations may seem a little progressive, at least to those weak kneed liberal types, who have no real appreciation of why burning stuff is such rollicking good fun. I’ll be writing to Lord Coe latter this week.

obligato said...

a better plan - go the opposite way from Paraolympics to the Superolympics - cheat as much as you can; drugs, surgery, bionic implants) and let's see what human (or part human) beings are really capable of. an arms race for sports

I'm sure the Yanks Russian and Chinese would soon have:

Swimmers with gills and size 24 feet
3 legged wrestlers (hard to throw)
8 foot high-jumpers
Javelin throwers with 6 foot right arms
Nuclear powered marathon runners

add your own suggestions....

Flaxen Saxon said...

I bet if you set the runners alight they would run a lot faster- at least for a bit, anyways.